


Comfort of Your Love

by stars28



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Falling In Love, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleepless nights, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-06-01 06:30:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6504532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stars28/pseuds/stars28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe writes Finn little notes while the other man is in a coma. He doesn’t mean to fall in love along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Poe

**Author's Note:**

> 1- The tags are there for a reason. If you are triggered by any of the things I’ve tagged, please, for your own sake, do not read this story. It’s better in the long run. Trust me.  
> 2- The statement after ‘Note #5’ is a song lyric from the song ‘Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now’ by The Smiths. Needless to say I don’t own it.  
> 3- This is my Camp NaNoWriMo project. Wish me luck!

_“Don't leave the heart within you_  
_Keep the things that matter to you_  
_Wrapped up in the comfort of your love_  
_Don't come undone_  
_Don't come undone…”_  
**\- Live When We Die, Electric Century.**

* * *

While Finn was in his coma, Poe wanted to stay right next to him and just wait for him to wake up. But he couldn’t, not when the First Order was still out there, lurking somewhere in the galaxy. Although he’d promised to watch over Finn for Rey – it’d been the last thing he and Rey had talked about before the ex-scavenger went to find Luke Skywalker – he hadn’t the time to watch Finn all the time (though he wanted to), he had to lead recon missions and go on. Instead, he wrote Finn notes whenever he had a spare moment, sitting in the cockpit of his X-Wing whilst in hyperspace or when he was awake from the nightmares he’d had since the mission to Jakku.

* * *

Note #1.  
_Finn, I’m sorry I can’t be there for you. You deserve that.  
\- Poe Dameron._

* * *

Poe swore as blaster fire shattered a window near his head. He had the datachip the General had sent him to get, so he thought that it was definitely time to go. He began to run from the First Order ‘troopers. If he got captured, he didn’t think there’d be another Stormtrooper ready to defect like Finn had. He wouldn’t be that lucky a second time, he knew. (He also doubted that he’d survive another interrogation with Kylo Ren. He didn’t voice this fact.)

“C’mon BB!” He yelled, ducking more blaster fire and almost skidding into a wall as he hurtled round a corner. He wasn’t going to go straight back to their ‘ship, which for this mission wasn’t Black One (his X-Wing was too distinctive for when he needed to be undercover), it was an old and small shuttle, which was quick enough, but it still wasn’t his preferred spaceship. (Having thought that, why had the General let him take his droid with him? The First Order knew that the orange and white droid belonged to him due to the whole Luke Skywalker map before the Starkiller Base; it was distinctive as well. Poe would have to ask that question when he wasn’t being shot at by Stormtroopers.)

BB-8 squealed in panic and rolled quickly next to Poe’s feet as he weaved through the marketplace that he’d come across. He hoped that he’d be able to lose the ‘troopers long enough for him to return to his ‘ship, and get him and BB-8 the _Kriff_ off this dirtball of a planet. (The planet was nice enough, but the presence of Stormtroopers had kind of ruined it for Poe.)

Thirty minutes of nerve-wracking hiding and dodging later, and Poe was strapped into the seat of the cockpit of the shuttle, doing a very brief pre-flight check. Once he made sure that they weren’t going to blow up as the shuttle ascended out of the planet’s atmosphere, he told BB-8 to hang on and took off.

* * *

Note #2.  
_I’m in hyperspace right now Finn. All the stars are blurring out of the cockpit window._  
_I wonder if you’d like it._  
_\- Poe Dameron._

* * *

When Poe finally reached D’Qar, he was in need of a long, hot shower in the ‘fresher to work the kinks out of his shoulder and a meal before going to visit Finn in the med-bay. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen until after he’d debriefed with the General. So, after he’d parked the shuttle on the edge of the hangar, and helped BB-8 out of the shuttle, he clutched the datachip he’d been sent to retrieve in his right hand and walked to the command centre. Before he entered, he brushed his wayward hair into some sort of acceptable appearance. He then pushed the door open and went through.

“Commander Dameron,” The General said as he approached her, “Was it a successful mission?”

Poe nodded out of respect to her before reporting, “Yes, in the fact that I got the datachip you sent me for. But there were First Order troops there, ma’am. BB-8 and I still managed to get off the planet with minimal damage to us and the ‘ship though.”

He passed her the datachip – which must be important as he’d been sent with a shuttle that had a full tank of fuel when the whole of the Resistance was running on low funds, resources and volunteers – waited for her to say something.

The General’s face twitched up into a smile, “You did well Commander. Still it’s troubling that the First Order was there. We thought that the planet we sent you was neutral, if not sympathetic to our cause. But nonetheless, thank you for your time on this mission. You can go and rest now Poe.”

“I’m always for the cause, you know that General.” Poe grinned, hoping that the General couldn’t smell him, he always smelt rank after enough time in the cockpit, “But, I have to say, a shower, a meal, and a rest does sound nice.” He didn’t bother to tell her that he probably wouldn’t be able to sleep. There was no point worrying her about that; she had enough to worry about without worrying about one hotshot flyboy that didn’t sleep as much as he probably should.

He turned after nodding at the General, and exited the command centre, heading for his room. He thought that BB-8 would’ve made it back to the room by now. No doubt that the droid wanted cleaning after that mission as well, which was just another thing he’d have to do.

Perhaps he could do it whilst he was sitting next to Finn’s bed, he thought as he pressed the code in for access to his room. It would (theoretically) keep his mind off the fact that _Finn hadn’t woken up yet._ (He knew it wouldn’t, but hey, he was a pilot, and pilot’s always lived in hope. They had to, they had no choice.) The door slid open with a _whoosh_ , and he stepped into the lowly lit room, smiling when he saw his droid in its charging station.

“Hey BB,” He said, getting a series of curious bleeps in response, “Yes, I’m going to visit Finn, I’ve just gotta have a shower and something to eat first though. D’you want to come? I could give you a clean.”

At that suggestion, BB-8 moved out of its charging station to stand next to the door and bleeped excitedly. Poe laughed, “Alright, alright. I’ll hurry up.”

* * *

Once he had dressed, picked a rag to clean BB-8 with off the floor, and grabbed a sandwich from the mess hall, Poe headed to the med-bay with BB-8 in tow. When he arrived at Finn’s separate room just inside the med-bay, the nurses and droids didn’t even _try_ to stop him from entering. He supposed it kind of made sense. He’d been sitting next to Finn for a going on a week now, and the nurses had given up trying to make him adhere to the visiting hours after the first three days, during which he’d sat, talked, slept and ate at Finn’s bedside. He didn’t regret it though, even though his back kind of hated him for sleeping on a chair for four nights straight. He’d also mended Finn’s jacket for him, the only thanks being a lot of tiny puncture wounds in his fingertips; needlessly to say, he wasn’t a natural with a needle and thread. Give him the controls of an X-Wing any day. But he did it for Finn. He’d been grateful that the General had allowed it, but he accepted with grace other people didn’t possess when she’d come for him to lead a recon mission that he better do his job, plus that Finn would undoubtedly still be here when he got back.

“Hey buddy,” He said as he sat in the chair which squeaked as he did so, and placed the rag on the bedside table, “It’s been a day since I last saw you and you’re still not awake. Honestly I’m surprised. I kind of thought that you’d at least be awake by now. But the doctors and nurses assure me that this is not untypical of such a major wound – though of course, they’d never dealt with a lightsabre to the back before. I trust them though – Kriff knows that they’ve fixed me and the other pilots up enough times after a mission gone wrong – so I guess there’s no need to worry.”

BB-8 squealed impatiently from beside his chair.

“BB, I know I said that I’d clean you, but I’ve got to catch Finn up on what he’s missing. You understand?” He explained, looking down at the orange and white droid, being unsurprised when it bleeped its comprehension. His droid was smart, there was no doubting that. “Good. I’ll be as brief as possible and then I’ll get cleaning you.”

Poe shifted in the chair, he really needed to find another cushion or something to make it more comfortable, and began to tell the (extremely exaggerated, if BB-8 was to be trusted) tale of his last mission. After half an hour, he’d finished telling the tale.

“…And then we flew back.” He finished, leaning back in his chair, making the two front legs lift off the ground a little, “It was pretty hair-raising for a while, but then me and BB managed to get back in one piece. Didn’t we bud?”

His droid beeped, agreeing with him. Which reminded Poe that he’d promised to clean it. He got off the chair and picked up the rag off Finn’s beside table, beginning to clean the mucky droid. It was a familiar act; he’d done this after every mission that the General sent them on, had done since he and BB-8 joined the Resistance. It was one of the more pleasant jobs he’d assigned himself – it certainly beat doing debriefs. Though, cleaning BB-8 didn’t get him out of doing after mission debriefs, much as he’d like it to.

* * *

Once the doctor came in to do the nightly check on Finn, Poe decided that he better go and try to get _some_ sleep, even though he knew it wouldn’t be particularly restful. BB-8 had already left an hour (or was it two?) ago, something about talking to R2-D2 and C3PO about… He hadn’t exactly been focusing on the little droid when it’d left, instead he’d been focusing on the still – _not lifeless_ – body of Finn on the bed. It truly looked like he could open his eyes at any moment after waking from his long nap. Because that what Finn was doing, having an extremely long nap. He would wake up, Poe would make sure of it. He wasn’t entirely sure how he would do that, but he would, if it meant Finn waking up.

He stood up, cracking his back after being sat down for going on five hours, if he included the hour and a half he’d spent in hyperspace on the way back to D’Qar. It felt slightly painful, but nice at the same time.

“Bye buddy,” He said, stroking a hand over Finn’s prone one, laying over the stark white sheets, “I’ll be back before you know it. Trust me.”

On the walk back to his room, Poe gathered by the empty hallways and echoing silence, that the base had more or less gone to sleep. Even though he knew that a military base such as this didn’t sleep, not really, it was still peaceful. He’d missed dinner – again. But he supposed that there were worse things. _(Finn lying in a coma. Kylo Ren breaking through Poe’s mental walls again. Rey being unsuccessful in finding the Jedi Master Luke Skywalker.)_ When he reached his room and dressed for bed, he lay down on his supposedly comfy mattress and stared at the ceiling, wishing he could slip into unconsciousness without a nightmare. For once. It’d been this way ever since Kylo Ren had broken him and made him inform the First Order where BB-8 was and what he looked like. It didn’t matter how many times people told him that no one could’ve withstood that kind of mental torture, Poe still felt guilty.

He turned on his side, facing the wall, and determinedly shut his eyes.

* * *

Three hours later, and Poe was awake, walking through the hallways of the base. He’d been woken by BB-8, which was always a bad sign. He didn’t like scaring his droid. Apparently he’d had a nightmare, but he couldn’t remember this one, which was a change. He wasn’t sure if he liked it when he remembered his nightmare, or more accurately, his memories of Kylo Ren’s painful mental interrogation. He thought he preferred to have no nightmares at all, but he knew the chances of that were slim, so he took the occasions when he didn’t remember what he’d been dreaming about as a small (if temporary) blessing.

His feet took him to the med-bay, and soon he was sitting next to Finn. He still needed to get a cushion for the chair.

“Hey Finn,” He said quietly, too aware that his voice sounded loud in the darkness of the night, “I can’t sleep. Had a nightmare you see, but I can’t remember it, which is unusual. I can usually remember every single second of the nightmare. It’s only every one; the one where Kylo Ren,” Even just saying the bastard’s name gave him shivers up his back, “Tore through my mind. I’d always thought that my mind was just that: mine. But apparently not.” He laughed bitterly.

He sat there, watching the deep even breaths of Finn, in and out, in and out, for a long time. He found comfort in ensuring that his friend (was that what he and Finn were? He didn’t know for sure) was alive, if not awake. He stayed there for so long that D’Qar’s only sun had begun to rise, bathing Finn’s small, beige room in golden hues. He couldn’t help but notice how the sun highlighted the contours on Finn’s face. As he heard doctors and nurses going about their normal, day to day business, he decided to slip out of the room before anyone saw how tired he was.

Before leaving, he left a note on Finn’s bedside table.

* * *

Note #3.  
_You gave me comfort during the night. I couldn’t sleep; I had a nightmare about Kylo Ren._  
_You didn’t wake up._  
_\- Poe D._

* * *

After the third note Poe wrote Finn, he found a decently sized box and placed it on the table, reasoning that if he wasn’t on planet when Finn finally woke up, at least his words would be. It would be a comfort to Finn, he thought, to have something that belonged to him. He seriously doubted that the ex-Stormtrooper had anything that belonged to himself. Except from Poe’s (former) coat.

* * *

“Hey Poe!”

Poe looked up from his first mug of caf, blinking wearily. He needed the caffeine after the lack of sleep the night before, which wasn’t an uncommon experience. It was Jessika. He tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace.

“Hey Jess,” He said, as the woman sat down opposite him, Snap appearing out of nowhere and sitting directly next to him, plate in hand, “Hey Snap.”

“Hey man, how are you?” The other man said, beginning to eat from his plate which he’d put down as he sat down.

Poe frowned, he didn’t want to worry his friends, but at the same time, he didn’t have the energy to lie. So he decided on a half-truth.

“Shitty, just couldn’t sleep.” He replied, shrugging before getting up to refill his mug. Within a few minutes, he was sitting back down.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” Jess asked, tilting her head to one side slightly.

Without another word, Poe stood up again, taking his steaming mug of caf with him, and walked out of the mess hall, unconsciously heading towards the med-bay, towards Finn. He felt his breathing begin to pick up, beads of sweat trickling down his forehead, and a choking sensation, feeling phantom hands close around his throat. _(A figure clad all in black, with black gloved hands extending towards him.)_ He staggered against a wall branching off from the main corridor, his legs trembling for no logical reason, and tried to fucking breath. In and out. He let his eyes slide shut and pictured Finn on his bed in his small room, in and out. In and out. One breath and then another, and another, until the sensation passed. He opened his eyes, squinting slightly in the change from dark to light.

He breathed shakily until he was back to normal, or at least his definition of it, and then continued towards the med-bay. Somehow, being near Finn made everything better. He didn’t know why.

Once he reached the med-bay and went into Finn’s room, he was feeling slightly better. At least he could breath, he thought as he sat down next to Finn, stretching his legs out in front of him.

“Buddy,” He smiled faintly, “You are looking better and better by the day, I swear. And I’m not just saying that.”

He fell silent after that first sentence, not knowing what to say. Should he confess to the almost still body that he’d had what he was pretty sure was a panic attack? Or should he just stay quiet about it? He sipped on his mug of caf until it was all gone, pondering.

Poe was still thinking about it when BB-8 burst into the room an hour later, squealing almost incomprehensively at him. He frowned in confusion.

“What?” He asked.

BB-8 squealed again, though much slower this time. It seemed that the pilots had a mission, and Leia wanted his expertise. It was understandable; he wasn’t the best pilot in the Resistance for nothing after all. He didn’t say that he doubted his abilities as a pilot after Jakku, it would be of no use to anyone.

“Right, right, coming.” He stood up, feeling sorry that he had to leave his friend, “One thing though first.”

He hastily added another note in his slapdash handwriting to the steadily growing collection, and then went with his droid to the command centre.

* * *

Note #4.  
_I think I had a panic attach earlier._  
_I don’t want to tell anyone._  
_\- Poe D._

* * *

Half an hour later, Poe was in the air with BB-8 behind him, beeping incessantly. He laughed.

“You talk so much BB. I think you’re the chattiest droid in the Resistance.” He said.

BB-8 disagreed with that, it thought that the droid that talked the most was C3PO. Which, in all fairness, Poe could agree with.

“Ok, ok, you’re right. But just this once.”

* * *

The mission went smoothly, they got the recon information that the General needed. No First Order ships popping up out of nowhere. No major skirmishes. No big disasters, other than the one where Poe almost fell asleep in the cockpit of the Black One. But no one needed to know about that. BB-8 would keep that secret if it knew what was good for it.

As soon as they touched down just inside the hanger on D’Qar, Poe lifted the lid of the cockpit up and scrambled down the ladder as BB-8 descended from underneath. He smiled, it was a successful mission. He knew he should probably debrief with the General, but the only thing on his mind was seeing Finn.

He sprinted from the hanger, squeezing past people, and skidded around the corner, heading for the med-bay. He didn’t know why he had to see Finn. Maybe it was because he’d been torn from the other man earlier on. Granted, he hadn’t been saying anything, but it’d still been nice. Peaceful.

Upon reaching the door to Finn’s room, he felt the anxiety he’d been carrying throughout his entire mission peter out, disappearing completely. Why he’d been feeling anxious he didn’t know, but Finn was alright. He was fine. He walked over to the chair next to Finn’s bed and slumped down into it, leaning his head against the back of the chair.

* * *

He must have drifted off, because the next thing Poe was aware of was the door to Finn’s room opening and shutting behind him.

“Hm? W-what?” He said sleepily, rubbing his eyes.

“I thought I’d find you here Poe.” A very familiar voice said.

“G-General!” He stood up, his legs shaking a bit, “I’m sorry I didn’t attend the debriefing. I intended to after I visited Finn, but I – I fell asleep.”

“Poe. Sit down before you fall down.” The General laughed, “I only came to see how you were. It doesn’t matter about the debriefing – Jessika and Snap did it.”

He sat back down, making sure to at least sit up straight, saying, “Oh ok. But I’m fine. Honestly.”

The General raised an eyebrow, her eyes going serious, “Really? So that’s why I got informed by one of the nurses that she saw you sneaking out of this room just after the sun had risen.”

“I – I couldn’t sleep. You know that pilots don’t get enough sleep.” Poe defended, “I wasn’t here long.”

That was a lie, he’d been in this exact chair for a long, long time before the sun had risen.

“If you believe that Poe, then I’ll believe it too.” The General said before turning towards the door again, “I have many things to do. One thing is for sure though Poe.”

“What’s that?”

“Finn is very lucky to have you as a friend.” She smiled and then exited the room, leaving Poe alone with his thoughts.

He wanted – _needed_ – Finn to wake up soon. But he guessed he did need to sleep for longer than a couple of hours. It would be good for him. He stood up and left Finn’s room.

* * *

Note #5.  
_I don’t think I’m as good of a pilot as everyone says I am._  
_Not since crashing in Jakku._  
_It scares me. Flying is the only thing I know how to do._  
_\- Poe D._

* * *

Poe was in Finn’s room again. He had slept for about five hours since General Organa came to see him, but a nightmare woke him. This time he’d thought to bring a spare pillow from his room for the chair. It did make the chair more comfy. He put his head between his knees, breathing slowly and deeply, unconsciously coping Finn.

“I – I had a nightmare. Same old shit. It’s always the same. Either that, or I dream about you dying. What does that say about me?” He said to the quiet room, lifting his head up slowly to look at Finn’s face in the near darkness. It felt freeing to be able to talk without anyone judging him.

He felt for the scrap of paper he’d put in his pocket as he left his room, saying, “I don’t think I have any words to describe what I’m feeling, so I’m going to borrow someone else’s. Hope – hope you don’t mind.” He looked at the piece of paper, and read out loud: 

> _“I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour_  
>  _But heaven knows I'm miserable now_  
>  _I was looking for a job, and then I found a job_  
>  _And heaven knows I'm miserable now_  
>    
>  _In my life_  
>  _Why do I give valuable time_  
>  _To people who don't care if I live or die…”_

He was quiet for a long time after that, staring at the wall, crumpling the paper in his right hand. It could’ve been fifteen minutes or over an hour. He didn’t know. Time lost its meaning momentarily.

“I don’t know why I’m like this Finn.” He said eventually, breaking the self-impose silence, “But I just am. Have been since _that bastard_ went into my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to help myself. I know I should go, but I don’t want to.” He sighed heavily, “I’m gonna go now, but no doubt I’ll be back when it’s not the middle of the night. I always am.”

* * *

 Note #6.  
_I think I need help Finn. But there are people more deserving than me of help._  
_I’m just one reckless flyboy who doesn’t sleep as much as I need to._  
_\- Poe D._

* * *

“ _Kriffing hell!”_ Poe swore as two TIE fighters rounded onto him. As he jerked his X-Wing into a quick turn, he vaguely heard BB-8 squeal loudly.

It’d been two weeks since he’d spent an entire night in Finn’s room; two weeks of almost constant missions, whether they were small ones to just outside of the Ileenium system and back, or the one he was on now, near the planet of Ithor. He barely got the chance to sleep and eat, let alone see Finn, before General Organa sent his squadron on yet another mission. He’d been writing lots of notes though, so Finn wouldn’t be totally alone, should he happen to wake up while Poe was away.

“Sorry BB, but we have got to get out of here,” He said, avoiding the TIE fighters by sharply banking left, hearing his droid agree with him, “Yeah, yeah I know. I don’t like it either. Are we ok to go into hyperspace?”

BB-8 bleeped, telling him that he was good to go.

As he prepped the X-Wing to go into hyperspace, he said quickly, “BB-8, send a message to the General, tell her that we can’t come straight back, but the rest of the squadron are making it back.”

His droid beeped the affirmative as they went into hyperspace. The stars around them blurred.

The comm crackled into life a few minutes later.

_“Dameron? What do you mean you can’t come back yet?”_

“First Order TIES, General. They’re on my tail.” He reported, relaxing a bit, leaning back in the chair now that he was in hyperspace, and would be for a couple of hours yet. Maybe he could sleep. Or maybe he could attempt peace in the Galaxy. Both were equally unlikely.

_“Make it back as quickly as you can.”_

“Why? What’s happened?” He asked, something in the General’s voice prompting him to ask.

_“Just get back.”_

“Yes ma’am.”

With that, Poe shut down the comm, and reached for his ever present paper and pen that were in a pocket in his orange flight suit. If he wasn’t going to sleep, he was going to write notes for Finn.

* * *

Note #13.  
_The Galaxy is massive, but there’s nowhere quite like home for me Finn. Yavin 4’s where I’m from. My Dad still lives there._  
_It’s all lush and green. I bet you’d like it. I’ll have to take you when you wake up._  
_\- Poe._

* * *

An hour later, and Poe was jerking awake to the sound of high-pitched bleeping, breathing hard. Kriffing nightmares. They didn’t let him sleep for long. He blinked. The stars were still outside the window.

“W-what?” He said, trying to focus.

BB-8 bleeped again.

“Right, yeah. Ok.” He reached for the controls and dropped them out of hyperspace with ease, even as the terror was still present in his mind. Flying was one thing he could do, even after being Force-whammied by a shitty version of Darth Vardar, even when he had doubts about how good he was.

Poe breathed in and out, trying to mask his terror of the blackness all around (it reminded him too much of Kylo Ren), from BB-8. He hated that he had nightmares. He hated that he wasn’t fucking better. He didn’t like feeling useless, but it’s all he was, and would ever be.

“Where are we BB?” He asked, attempting to distract himself from his (self-destructive, bad, wrong, _right_ ) thoughts.

BB-8 answered quickly.

“Nal Huffa?” Poe repeated, “Why are we near here?”

His droid bleeped.

“Fair enough, that makes sense I guess.” He sighed, “Onwards to the Mid-Rim and then back home. That’s the plan right?”

BB-8 agreed.

“Good. Cause I wanna know why the General wants me back as soon as possible.”

* * *

Note #14.  
_I’m aware that I’m spending a lot of time next to your bed when you’re asleep. Maybe that’s creepy, but I just want you to be ok Finn.  
\- Poe._

* * *

As soon as he’d touched down on D’Qar, Poe’s thoughts turned to Finn, lying nearly motionless on his bed. Finn had broken through what Poe assumed was years’ worth of Stormtrooper training and brainwashing to save him. That kind of gesture could have an effect on a guy, particularly when said ex-Stormtrooper was as beautiful as Finn was. Poe would know, he’d spent enough time sitting next to him. (Not that _meant_ anything. The guy saved his life, of course he was looking after him with he was in a coma.)

Once he was on the ground and BB-8 was at his feet, he headed towards the base, letting the mechanics do their job on his X-Wing. He’d come back later and do the tiny, specific things that was him being picky. It might take his mind off Finn, and enable him to sleep for once.

“General?” He said, confused. She was standing at the end of the runway. “Why are you here? I was just coming to the command centre.”

General Organa smiled, saying, “I thought you’d want to hear straight away.”

 _Finn_. It had to be Finn. He had to be… no. He couldn’t be. Poe refused to believe it, and he felt tears start to pool in his eyes.

“Y-yes?” He said, trying not to cry in front of almost everyone in the Resistance.

“He’s awake. And asking for a certain someone.”

The relief went through Poe like a shock. _Finn was alive._ Thank the Force.

“Wait…you mean me? Now?”

“Yes, you flyboy.” The General said, smiling even more, “Go now!”

“I’m, I’m going!”

He began to run and didn’t stop until he was skidding into Finn’s room. Sure enough, Finn was lying down, except his brown eyes were blessedly open. He couldn’t quite believe it, maybe it was some kind miracle. He staggered against the doorframe, his knees giving from under him. _Finn was alive._

Finn grinned, his teeth almost blindingly white, “Poe! Poe Dameron!”

“Finn. You’re ok.” Poe said weakly, and then promptly fainted.


	2. Finn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- Thank you for all your nice comments! It’s really nice to see that you guys are enjoying reading this story as much as I am writing it! Nothing encourages me more than comments!  
> 2- Let’s see Finn’s side of the story for a while!  
> 3- Doctor Nuttcott is a character of my own creation.

_“So you can drag me through Hell_  
_If it meant I could hold your hand_  
_I will follow you cause I'm under your spell…”_  
**\- Follow You, Bring Me The Horizon.**

* * *

The first time Finn woke up, he was in agony. His back was on fire, it felt like it was being burned with a lightsabre all over again. He groaned and then passed out again.

* * *

The next time he woke up, there was considerably less pain. The pain was more of a tolerable ache that he could push to the back of his mind.

“Rey? Poe?” He croaked, eyes looking up at the beige coloured ceiling, unable to get up or move, which _sucked_. As an afterthought, he added, “Where am I?” to the list of question buzzing around his mind.

“Finn,” A vaguely familiar voice said from his right, “You’re in the med-bay of the Resistance on D’Qar.”

He tried to turn his head towards the voice, but was then told, sternly, “Stop moving Finn. You’ll only hurt yourself more.”

He stopped moving,

“Who’s talking to me?” He asked instead, still trying to figure out who was in his room. Tilting his head down, he could only see the jacket – _Poe’s jacket_ – which had been mended and was now lying on the bottom of his bed, covering his legs. His heart leapt with hope. Poe must be somewhere.

He needn’t have asked because a moment later, the General was hovering over him, helping him drink.

“Steady, steady,” She murmured, when he tried to drink the whole cup in one go, “It’s not going anywhere.”

Finn slowed down after that, and, once the whole cup was finished, asked, in a less croaky voice this time, “General Organa, why are you here?”

“Because I thought, with Rey trying to find Luke, and Poe avoiding First Order ships, a friendly face would be appreciated.”

“…You’re right.” He admitted after a long minute. It _was_ nice to have someone to wake up to. He’d never would’ve had that with the First Order, and he doubted that if he got seriously injured, like he was now, the First Order would’ve even bothered to save him (they would’ve have _decommissioned_ him). But the Resistance was different. Then the rest of the General’s sentence sunk in fully, and his heart dropped to the floor.

“What do you mean, Poe’s avoiding First Order ships?”

“Exactly that, he and his squadron went on a mission near the planet Ilthor, and they were ambushed.” General Organa answered, “The rest of Poe’s squadron made the jump into hyperspace without a problem, but Poe couldn’t for some reason, and now he’s going the long way around in the hopes of losing the First Order ships before he touches down here.”

“Ah, that makes sense. And Rey’s gone to find Skywalker?”

“That’s right.” She paused for some reason, “It looks like Poe left you something for when you wake up as well as that damn jacket of his. Because that flyboy never doubted that you would wake up. Not even for a second.”

“What? What is it?” Finn asked eagerly, wanting something from Poe if the man himself couldn’t be here right now. (Poe clearly believed in him, if what the General was true.)

The General responded by passing him a box that had paper sticking out of the top. Finn took it with gentle hands, as though one wrong touch could cause the whole box to disappear. He gripped the wooden box securely, fingers curling around the edges, touching the paper.

“General, how long have I been here? Unconscious I mean?” He inquired. That question was going around his brain and he wanted to know that answer.

The General frowned a little before replying, “You were unconscious for three weeks Finn.”

“That’s a long time.”

“Not really, Doctor Nuttcott said, given the severity of your injury, that you may not wake up before the month was finished. So in actual fact, you woke up earlier than expected.”

Finn was still surprised; he didn’t remember much from before other than taking up Rey’s glowing blue lightsabre against Kylo Ren and then a searing pain down his back. He assumed he must’ve passed out soon after because he doesn’t remember anything about how they got back.

The General stood, inclining her head towards Finn, saying, “Goodbye Finn.”

“Bye ma’am.” Finn replied, giving a small wave with the hand that wasn’t clutching the box tightly.

Once the General had gone, Finn focused on the box on his chest. Gently, he picked up the first piece of paper and realised that it was numbered with a little _‘12’_ at the top in slanting handwriting. Which must mean that there was the original, the note that started Poe’s habit (he guessed that what someone would call writing notes for another person in a coma) all somewhere in the box. He rifled through it, absently sorting through them and ordering them as he did so. After a few minutes he had them all in order and began to read them, one by one, savouring the slanted, tight scrawls that his friend had left him.

When he reached the note labelled _‘4’_ , he was concerned, feeling his eyebrows draw together in slight distress. Poe had panic attacks? Finn didn’t think anyone else knew about that, considering what Poe had written after, _‘I don’t want to tell anyone.’_ Did that mean that Poe didn’t want to tell Finn? But he’d written it down. Finn was confused. Maybe he hadn’t meant for Finn to read them; maybe he just meant for them to serve as a way to get his thought’s down without anybody else seeing them.

He set the rest of the notes aside on his bedside table to concentrate on later because his door was opening. Though not before promising himself that he would get to the bottom of whatever it was that was bothering Poe. The pilot was his first friend, he’d given him a name that wasn’t a string of numbers attached to two letters.

“Hello Finn,” The woman said, smiling kindly, “I’m Doctor Nuttcott, and I’m the one who’s responsible for your physical rehabilitation because of your injury.”

Finn couldn’t help but smile back as he said eagerly, “Hello Doctor. When can we start?”

Doctor Nuttcott laughed, “Not quite yet Finn. We’ll be starting slow. First we need to build the muscles up in your legs first by doing simple exercises while you’re lying down. Once you’ve progressed enough, then we’ll move on to sitting up and walking.”

He nodded, “Can we get started?”

* * *

Finn waited until after his nightly check-up before fishing the box from table where he’d put it earlier. He picked up the next note and read it. He was surprised to find that Poe doubted his flying ability. The pilot had flown extremely well after being tortured by Kylo Ren, but Finn supposed that crashing on a deserted planet like Jakku would unnerve anyone, even the best pilot in the Resistance. It would certainly unnerve him – it _had_. There was a reason he’d been frantic at the crash site of the TIE fighter, he’d wanted to save Poe, see if he was ok.

After deciding that he would do something about Poe’s seemingly low self-esteem (at least, when it came to flying) when the pilot returned from dodging First Order ships miles away in the galaxy, Finn put the box under his pillow and pulled the jacket from his legs to his chest, absently breathing in the smell lingering on the leather. The first smell that was instantly recognisable to him was burnt leather, which made sense, but under that there was a persistent smell of engine oil and something that he couldn’t name. Finn could only classify it as _Poe_ before he fell asleep, his nose still pressed into the collar of the jacket.

* * *

When he woke up the next day, it was to breakfast – Resistance style. He had to say, the tray that the droid put in front of him looked a lot more appetising than the food the First Order provided for Stormtroopers. On the _Finalizer_ , all the food kind of looked the same; all mushy and bland-tasting food designed to provide the exact amount of calories and nutrients a Stormtrooper required to do their job effectively. There had been no particular emphasis on presentation either, all the food was served in grey trays. About the only thing that wasn’t strictly regulated, during the day at least, had been water. Finn thought that was because the First Order generals realised that a Stormtrooper that had no access to water could be a dead Stormtrooper, and the First Order put a lot of time and resources into each of them.

After shaking head to get rid of those thoughts that had somehow appeared, Finn tried the food and found that it was different colours and each food tasted different – some bitter, some sweet and some salty. It was at the exact opposites of what the First Order served. He was amazed, and took his time in trying each and every thing on the tray. He didn’t hear the door opening and someone stepping inside, he was so focused on his food.

“Wow. That’s really nice.” He mumbled to himself, a small smile forming on his face, “Even though I have no idea what it _is_.”

A soft laugh sounded from the right side of him. He looked up sharply to find Doctor Nuttcott looking at him.

“You know, according to everyone else on this base, the food in the mess hall is the good food, while the stuff served in here is alright.” She said, smiling gently all the time.

Finn was flabbergasted, how could food get better than this? He said, “Really?! The food can be better than this?” he gestured to his tray, which he had almost finished. He’d been hungry.

His Doctor chuckled, “Yes, it can be. I’m sure if you ask Dameron, he’d smuggle you some it. But, shush. I didn’t give you that idea.” She winked.

“Is Poe back then?”

Doctor Nuttcoot shook her head, “No not yet, though we have had confirmation from that droid of his – what’s its name?”

“BB-8.” Finn said, smiling a little as he recalled the way that the orange and white droid had shocked him on Jakku when it’d seen him wearing Poe’s jacket. It’d been a menace, but he’d be glad to see it again.

“Yes, that’s it. Well, we’ve had confirmation from BB-8 that they are successfully avoiding the First Order.”

“That’s good,” His grin felt massive on his face, “That means they’re coming back, right?”

“Yes it does.” Doctor Nuttcott replied, “Now that we’ve established that Poe’s coming back, shall we do some of those exercises?”

Finn nodded, “Absolutely.”

* * *

Doctor Nuttcott had gone through the exercises again with him and told him to repeat them before he went to sleep each night, Finn found himself with nothing to do, which was strange. As a Stormtrooper, there had always been something to do – whether that was simulations, blaster training and of course, sanitation. But here, there was nothing to do other than heal and relax. He didn’t see how he could do that, not when everyone else was doing _something_.

He sighed and then promptly remembered Poe’s notes. He could read a couple of them whilst he was here. He groped for the box from under his pillow and opened the next note. Within a couple of minutes, he’d read the whole note and was very confused as to why Poe thought of himself unworthy of help. Poe was a good man, better than Finn himself undoubtedly. There were, surely, people more than willing to help Poe with the panic attacks and nightmares.

Or at least, that’s what Finn’s last thought was before he drifted to sleep.

* * *

When he woke up an undetermined time later, Finn was confused for a brief moment. Then he remembered that he wasn’t with the First Order, on contrary he was with the Resistance. He breathed steadily for a few moments, feeling the tiny bit of panic dissipate, and wondered if he was going to get food any time soon because he was peckish.

An hour of lying there, someone came into his room, the door banging loudly against the wall. He looked over and blinked as he quickly recognised the bright orange flight suit, dark curly hair and deep brown eyes that were open wide in surprise. _Poe_.

“Poe! Poe Dameron!” He grinned, happy to see his friend again.

“Finn. You’re ok.” The pilot said weakly, and then fainted.

Finn swore and slammed the button above his bed that summoned a nurse to his room. Seconds later, Doctor Nuttcott burst into the room, almost tripping over Poe as she did so. She sighed, looking down at the pilot, and swiftly called for another nurse.

Finn watched, frustratingly helpless, as between them, Doctor Nuttcott and the nurse moved Poe off the white, tiled floor onto a bed that a second nurse wheeled in. Once Poe was on the bed, still out cold, Doctor Nuttcott turned to Finn.

“I hope you don’t mind us putting Dameron in here with you.” She explained, a small smile on her lips, “It’s just, with the amount of time he spent in that chair, waiting for you to wake up, we figure that it will allow him to heal better than if he was in a different room. If he was in a different room, he’d just try to come into here each day.”

“Wait, Poe spent time in here?” Finn said, amazed that anyone would spend time with him, an ex-Stormtrooper, even if he had read Poe’s notes about him spending nights with him, he didn’t quite believe it, “While I was unconscious?”

She laughed, “Yeah he did. He spent the first four nights sleeping only in that chair. We gave up trying to get him to leave after the second night. He was incredibly persistent.”

“Uh… Wow. I’ve never had anyone do that before.”

“I thought that might be the case,” Doctor Nuttcott said, sitting on the chair she had mentioned, “Now, you should continue with those exercises. And we’ll see when Poe wakes up naturally.”

Finn did the exercises dutifully, first one leg and then the other, staring at the ceiling. It wasn’t hard, just sort of _boring_. He perked up when Doctor Nuttcott said that she thought that he was well enough to sit up. She helped him to get sat up comfortably. It was strange, to go from a couple of days looking at the ceiling and only being able to move his eyes to look at things to being sat up against a mound of pillows. But he couldn’t say that the change was unwelcome. It was nice being sat up.

Once Doctor Nuttcott had gone – Finn assumed that she had other patients to see – he let his gaze wander over to the pilot who was still, inexplicably, unconscious. He took note of how deep the bags were around his eyes and of the way his face seemed drained of all life. He knew that the other man had nightmares, but were they bad enough to prevent him from sleeping all together? In a flash, he realised that he may have the answer in one of the notes Poe wrote him.

Quickly and silently, he slipped his hand under his pillows and carefully brought the box out. He went through them and read, with a sinking feeling in his stomach, that Poe had had at least two nights straight where he’d been too scared to go to sleep. But before he could think about it anymore or how to possibly help his friend, he was interrupted by BB-8, who rolled into the room, bleeping loudly.

Finn was quick to hush the little droid, “Shush BB-8, or you’ll wake Poe.”

It turned its head around to look at the prone form of its owner and bleeped several times in a row.

“Sorry BB, I don’t understand that.”

BB-8 rolled swiftly out of the room, leaving Finn blinking in confusion. Where had it gone? His question was answered a few minutes later, when Doctor Nuttcott arrived with a datapad in one hand, BB-8 at her side.

She handed the datapad to Finn, saying, “BB-8 thought that this might help the two of you communicate more effectively, seeing as you don’t know binary.”

BB-8 bleeped again, slower this time, obviously for his sake.

The datapad in Finn’s hands lit up with the words: _‘What happened to Poe?’_

He replied, “I said his name, and then he fainted.”

_‘What did you do?’_

“I didn’t do anything! I think the reason he’s still unconscious is cause of the nightmares.” Finn paused, glancing at Poe briefly, “I don’t think he’s been getting enough sleep.”

The droid rolled towards its master before tilting its head and bleeping.

_‘I noticed. Can you help?’_

“I… How would I even do that? I’m not even allowed out of bed yet.”

_‘You could help him.’_

Finn was bewildered by the amount of trust BB-8 was apparently putting in him, but he felt willing to do anything for the man that had saved him from a life with the First Order. He stuttered, “I – I can try.”

The datapad it up one last time before BB-8 trundled steadily out of the room: _‘Good. I’m going now.’_

“Ok?” Finn said to the now empty room.

How the hell was _he_ meant to help Poe? He wondered, his eyes focusing on the pilot and hoping that he would wake up soon.

* * *

When Poe did wake up two hours later, it was with a scream as he bolted upright, the sheets pooling around his waist. Finn took a brief moment to appreciate Poe’s collarbones – delicate looking as they were – before making his presence known.

“Poe! You’re ok. You’re on D’Qar, in the med-bay.”

“Finn?” Poe said, breathing hard, “Why am I in the med-bay? In your room?”

“Because you fainted when I said your name, and Doctor Nuttcott said that you’d spent a lot of time in here when I was unconscious, so they figured you’d be ok in here for now.” Fin explained briefly, watching Poe’s face for clues as to how he felt about their impromptu room sharing. All the pilot did was smile and laugh a little. “What’s funny?”

“I was actually going to ask if you wanted to share my room – I’ve got a spare bunk – once you woke up.”

“Huh.” Was all Finn was able to say before the door opened and Doctor Nuttcott entered, with BB-8 behind her.

She smiled as BB-8 rushed to Poe’s bedside and began to scold him. Finn’s datapad lit up insistently, so he picked it up and read what the round – and if the words on the screen were to be believed, worried – droid was saying.

He laughed as BB-8 described what would happen to Poe’s X-Wing if the man worried the droid again.

“Oh, you think this is funny do you?” Poe said, an accusing look on his face.

Finn smiled, shrugging one shoulder carefully, “Well… Yeah.”

Doctor Nuttcott cleared her throat and Finn looked at her expectantly.

“As funny as it is to see BB-8 tell Poe off,” She said, matter-of-factly, “I actually need to check Poe over.”

Finn could almost see the shroud that went over Poe’s eyes at the Doctor’s words. He winced, this was _not_ going to be good. But maybe he could help, like BB-8 said.

“Hey Poe,” He said, causing the pilot to look over at him with wide brown eyes, “It won’t be that bad, and besides you still haven’t told me how you got off Jakku.”

“There’s not much to it to be honest Finn,” Poe replied, “But if you’re so insistent on wanting to know, I’ll tell you.”

Finn was enraptured as Poe told the story, even if he was aware of Doctor Nuttcott checking his friend over. Once the exam was over, she announced that Poe was ok to leave the med-bay, though she was slightly concerned about the amount of sleep he was getting each night. Finn was unsurprised with this assessment; he already knew that Poe had trouble sleeping from both the man’s own letters and BB-8.

Poe got out of the bed and stretched, the orange flight suit stretching as well.

“Right,” He said, smiling at Finn, “I’m going to have a shower. I’ll see you in a bit though Finn. That alright?”

Finn blinked, “Yeah, that’s fine. I’ll be here. As usual.”


	3. Poe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- And we’re back to Poe.  
> 2- Thanks for the comments and kudos guys! It really does make my day!

_“Hold out your hand_  
_And lean upon me_  
_I'll be the one to make you smile …”_  
**\- Heartache, Architects.**

* * *

Although he knew that Finn was waiting for him, Poe couldn’t help but take his time in the shower, scrubbing his hair full of shampoo and then washing it all out. It was nice to be able to wash all the muck from his X-Wing off him.

BB-8 was waiting for him when he stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, beeping impatiently.

“Yes, I know I said that I’d see Finn within the hour but after being in space for hours and then being passed out for Kriff knows how long, I wanted to get completely clean.” He paused; listening to his droid’s answer as he dressed in an olive green t-shirt and a pair of brown trousers, and taking care to put the notes he’d written for Finn in his trouser pocket. “No, it’s not like when I stayed by his bed for four nights. It’s not.”

BB-8 didn’t sound like it believed him, which…was to be expected, if he was being honest. He frowned at his droid before nudging it out of the room. He thought that having something to eat would be a good idea, plus he thought he could smuggle some food in from the mess hall to the med-bay for Finn. He knew what med-bay food was like, it wasn’t the worse food he’d ever eaten (that prize went to the unappetising field rations he’d eaten whilst stuck in _Black One_ for five days), but food could be better.

As he walked to the mess hall, Poe had an idea. He could cook for Finn. Not now obviously, but later. Once Finn was walking and out of the med-bay.

“Hey BB, do you think me cooking for Finn is a good idea?” He asked, trailing his fingers absentmindedly along the wall of the corridor he was in. He could hear the sounds of the mess hall from here. “Or is that, like, too forward?”

BB-8 bleeped twice, saying that it thought that it might be a good idea.

“Well, it’s not like Finn has had a whole lot of experience outside of the First Order – he only woke up a couple of days ago. I could always try and then if he isn’t interested, then I’ll know.”

BB-8 beeped before rolling ahead of him through the doors into the mess hall. As Poe entered, a cheer went up across the room. He ducked his head, trying to avoid blushing.

“Shit guys.” He said to the room at large, “It wasn’t that much of a big deal.”

“Wasn’t that much of a ‘big deal’ he says.” Jess said, clasping his shoulder, “Not much of a big deal, you made it back despite having First Order TIES on your tail.”

Another cheer went around the room and this time Poe did blush. He couldn’t help it. After twenty minutes and a lot more hugs, he was able to escape with two sandwiches and a drink for him and Finn. When he entered Finn’s room a few minutes’ later, sandwiches in hand and BB-8 at his feet, he felt guilty at delaying when he saw the happiness lighting up Finn’s deep brown eyes.

“Hey buddy,” He said, as he sat down in the chair and handing a sandwich to Finn, who takes it with enthusiasm, “Sorry I wasn’t here sooner. It’s just the entire base has heard about how I got cornered essentially by a couple of TIE fighters in space and still made it back.”

Finn was already biting into his sandwich and moaning. (And if that sound was suddenly Poe’s favourite sound in the galaxy, then no one else had to know.)

“You – you did what?” Finn said, after swallowing his mouthful. His throat moved deliciously under his brown skin, distracting Poe for a moment before he blinked and focused.

“I’d forgotten you wouldn’t know.” Poe muttered to himself before raising his voice, “Yeah… I may have gotten into a little bit of a tight spot with couple of TIES. It wasn’t that bad was BB?”

From next to his feet, BB-8 whirred dubiously. Typical droid, never backing his master up. Poe shook his head in exasperation. Then Finn laughed after glancing at his datapad.

Poe frowned, “What?”

“BB-8 says that it thought that being chased by TIE fighters was terrible.” Finn replied, chuckling.

He glared at the round droid for a moment before changing the subject, “How do you like the sandwiches?”

“Really good! You know, Doctor Nuttcott said that the food was better out of the mess hall but I hadn’t believed her until now.” Finn gushed, “But this is really, really nice!”

Poe smiled, thinking to himself that he would _have_ to cook for Finn if that was the response to mess hall food. He thought that the younger man would be blown away by his speciality dish – _chile relleno_ – although he’d have to check whether Finn was alright with slightly spicier foods. All the other pilots begged him to make it and often after a particularly difficult mission, he would do so, much to the pilots delight. He got them to help out though; he refused to make more than a dozen of the stuffed poblano peppers by himself.

“Hey Poe…”

He blinked, he must have been thinking about cooking for Finn for much longer than he thought he’d been because Finn had finished his sandwich and was looking at him.

“Yeah Finn?” He said, putting his sandwich down on the bedside table. It seemed like Finn wanted to ask him something, if the way he was shifting around in his bed was an indication.

“I don’t understand something.”

“What don’t you understand? I’ll help if I can. If I can’t, I’ll go and find someone who can.” Poe said, smiling gently at his friend.

“Why…why did you spend four nights sleeping in that chair when I was unconscious?”

Poe could feel the blush spreading over his face. He had no doubt that he looked like an idiot. Frantically, he stood up, shoving a hand in his trousers for the notes he’d put in there earlier on, and passed them to Finn. He needed to get out of here _before_ Finn read them.

“These should explain.” He said, going towards the door quickly, “Just… don’t hate me?”

The last thing Poe heard before leaving the room was Finn’s voice saying, “How could I ever hate you?”

* * *

BB-8 found Poe an hour and a half later. He was sitting on the tarmac at the very edge of the hanger, well out of the way of the runway, looking up at the sunset. He wondered if Finn had ever seen a sunset and decided that he would have to make that the next thing he and Finn did. (If Finn didn’t hate him of course.)

“Hey BB.” He said, sighing heavily as the droid rolled up to him, bumping into him lightly.

His droid whirred gently, its head tilting towards Poe.

Poe pushed his hair back off his face, his eyes glimmering with as of yet unshed tears, “What do you mean, he doesn’t hate me?”

The droid whistled twice.

“But I love him and I told him that. He doesn’t even Kriffing know me!” He said passionately, throwing his hands in the air, “Hell, he’s been unconscious for most of our ‘friendship’ and last time I checked, you needed to spend time with someone to be their friend, let alone to be more than a friend!”

BB-8 nudged him gently, whirring again.

“No, it won’t change. It won’t ever change. I’ll always be in love with him and he’ll never be in love with me.” He sighed, feeling the sadness settle in his chest, “It just doesn’t happen for me. It just doesn’t.”

BB-8 tried to push him back towards the main building.

“No BB-8! I’m not going anywhere! Not yet! Just leave me alone!” Poe exclaimed, shoving the droid away from him.

His droid whirred sadly and then trundled away quickly.

Once the droid was inside, Poe gulped helplessly against the tears in his eyes. He couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over and down his cheeks. He sat on the cold ground and sobbed at his own misfortune as the sun set completely, leaving him in darkness as the stars came out.

Why did he have to fall so completely and utterly in love with the amazing man? _Finn._ A man that would _never_ love him back and who deserved so much better than a broken _(so fucking broken)_ washed-up old Resistance pilot. He wasn’t even that much of a great pilot. He certainly wasn’t the best pilot in the Resistance; he didn’t deserve that level of admiration. He just didn’t. He was fucking useless and didn’t deserve anything that anyone said about him. What he didn’t understand was why no one else saw what a fucking mess he’d become ever since Kylo Ren tore through his mind. He wasn’t sleeping enough and when he did, he had nightmares _(memories)_ of being on the _Finalizer_. He was lucky if he remembered to eat one meal a day and he was in love with a man that wouldn’t love him back.

He just knew it.

* * *

Poe woke up a while later from a nightmare. The same Kriffing nightmare that he’d been having since crashing on Jakku, the one where Finn died in the crash and he couldn’t do anything but stand and watch. He was breathing hard, as though he’d just run a mile at top speed, his chest going up and down rapidly. As he looked up at the sky, which was slowly turning a pinkish colour, he thought that maybe he should’ve gone to his bed last night because his back was fucking aching from spending the night on the concrete floor of the hanger. It wasn’t worse than when he’d spent four nights in that chair by Finn’s lifeless body though, so he took that as a good sign and stood up. He began to walk back to the base.

He probably needed to apologise to BB-8 after the way he’d shouted at it and pushed it away. The turmoil he was feeling as a result of Kylo Ren’s torture and because of the (pure, unfailing and steadfast) love he felt for the former Stormtrooper wasn’t the droids fault. (It was his own, he was _weak._ )

Poe found his droid as he entered his room.

“BB.” He said, waiting for the droid to wake up.

It chirped angrily, swirling its head around.

He knelt in front of BB-8, “I know, I know and I’m sorry. I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at myself for a couple of things. It wasn’t your fault BB.”

BB-8 beeped inquisitively.

“Yeah, I sort of hate myself for being so weak in the face of Kylo Ren.” He laughed self-deprecatingly, “And sort of for being in love with a man that will never love me back, at least not in the way _I_ want.”

His droid nudged into his leg softly, trilling quietly.

“Of course I mean Finn.” Poe smiled bitterly because he didn’t think he was _ever_ going to get over Finn, “I’m going to see him once I’ve had a shower and had something to eat from the mess hall.”

BB-8 bleeped, informing him that he was going to the med-bay to keep Finn company until he arrived, and went off.

He didn’t think that Finn needed company, but whatever made the damn droid happy. After having a very quick shower, he followed his droid to the med-bay at a moderate pace. He wasn’t going to rush towards the reason for his heartbreak. He wasn’t quite _that_ suicidal (though BB-8 would undoubtedly say differently).

Poe entered Finn’s room, brushing his hand against the doorframe as he did so and pushing the urge to run away down. He was pleased to see that Finn was sitting up again and that the jacket was pulled over Finn’s knees. (The jacket really did suit Finn.) He smiled when Finn looked up from talking quietly with BB-8.

“Hey,” He said, gingerly sitting down on the chair next to Finn’s bed, “How are you?”

Finn nodded, “Good. The Doctor told me that I’d be ready to get out of bed in a few days.”

Poe’s grin widened and he leant forward to clasp the other man’s shoulder, saying, “That’s really good news!”

“Yeah,” Finn agreed, smiling back at him, “She says it’ll probably take a few days for me to regain my ability to walk on account of being laid down for such a long time. But it’s good. I’m excited!”

They sat there for a few moments before Poe realised that he should probably let go of Finn. He took his hand off Finn’s shoulder, feeling a blush rise across his face.

“S-sorry.” He stuttered, looking down at the white tiles that made up the floor of Finn’s room. _Shit._ He’d screwed up. Again.

Finn’s quiet laugh made up look up. He nearly lost himself in those deep brown eyes, he felt like he could compare them to the stars but the stars wouldn’t do Finn’s eyes justice.

“It’s fine Poe.”

(That’s the other thing that was his favourite sound – Finn saying his name. It made him wonder what the other mad would sound like in bed, as Poe took him apart gently with murmurs of promises grazing over his chocolatey skin and fingers that discovered every last piece of skin softly, as he slid into Poe, gasping out curse words and Poe’s name in that deep voice of his.)

Poe scratched his hair, trying to rid his brain of the thoughts of Finn pressed into him, and said nervously, “You don’t hate me do you?”

Finn’s face creased into a frown, “What?! I’d never hate you.”

“Did you even read the notes I gave you last time?!”

“Yes I have. And I don’t see why I should hate you.”

Poe gaped, his mouth wide open, unable to find a single thing to say. What the fuck? How was Finn even _real?_

“You – you don’t?”

Finn shrugged carefully, “No, I don’t. All you’ve done is tell me what you want us to do once I’m out of this bed.” He smiled ruefully, teeth shining white, “And inform me that you’re falling for me.”

“Uh huh.”

BB-8 whirred. Poe blinked, he’d forgotten the droid was there if he was being honest.

“You’re right. I do need to do that.” Poe said, smiling down at the round droid, “But once he gets better.”

BB-8 bleeped again.

Poe grinned, patting the droid on its round head, “BB-8, you’re a genius! Of course I can do that! I’ve been doing it with the mess hall food.”

Finn looked at his datapad, saying, “You’re going to cook for me?”

“Well yeah.” He shrugged, self-conscious now that the man of his dreams was looking at him intensely, “I just thought that the med-bay food isn’t great but neither is the stuff in the mess hall. I make the best _chile relleno_. All the other pilots say so.”

Finn’s face crinkled in confusion as he asked, “What’s that?”

“ _Chile relleno_?” Poe questioned and explained when Finn nodded, “It’s a stuffed and roasted _poblano_ pepper which originates from Yavin 4. I usually stuff it with cheese and then coat it in an egg batter. Quite spicy though. Would you be ok with that?”

“I suppose. I mean, I’ll try anything once. It’ll defiantly be better than the mush that the First Order fed us.”

“Oh yeah? What was that like?” Poe asked, not mentioning how the casual remark about the First Order made him simultaneously queasy and strengthen his urge to burn it to the fucking ground. He wasn’t _weak_. (Except he was, he really, really _was_. But no one needed to know that.)

“Bland and tasteless. The water had the most taste.” Finn answered, frowning a little, “I don’t see why they couldn’t introduce some flavour into the diet.”

“Probably something about keeping the ‘troopers in line and not thinking about tasty meals. I dunno.”

“Makes sense. I mean, the whole being trained from birth thing has something to do with it. When I was a Stormtrooper, I never really thought about other meals because I didn’t know that other meals existed.”

“Buddy, we need to remedy that. Like immediately.”

After half an hour of talking, Poe decided that he probably should go and see the General. He stood up.

“You’re going?” Finn said, sounding disappointed.

“Yeah, as much as I want to spend the rest of the day here, I should see if the General has any missions for me.” Poe explained, hating that he’d disappointed Finn, “But I can leave BB here if you want.”

“Won’t you need it? If you do get a mission I mean?”

“Well yeah, but I need to see if I actually have a mission first. If I do, I can drop by here on my way to the hanger.”

“Ok then.”

“See you Finn.” Poe said, walking to the door as BB-8 rolled closer to Finn’s bed, bleeping.

“Bye Poe.”

He smiled as he left the room. Finn would be ok, he had BB-8 and his jacket.

When Poe reached the command centre, he located General Organa at the back of the room, looking at a datapad. She glanced up as Poe approached and smiled.

“Hello Poe.”

“General.” He greeted, his lips turning up into a smile of his own.

“What brings you here? I thought you’d be spending time with Finn.” She smirked too knowingly for Poe’s liking.

“W-what do you mean?”

“You know perfectly well what I mean Poe.”

Poe got distracted for a moment, thinking about the way that Finn’s smile made a warm feeling bloom in his chest and the way that Finn communicated with his droid despite not knowing binary.

“I don’t know what you mean Ma’am.” He said, blinking to make his thoughts focus on the here and now, “I came to see if you had a mission that you needed me to run or assist on.”

The General hummed in thought and then said, “No I don’t.”

Poe was disappointed but also sort of relieved. This meant that he would be able to spend more time with Finn, which made his heart race uncontrollably. But it also made him think about his doubts concerning his flying ability. Had General Organa somehow sensed that he didn’t feel as at home in the cockpit of his X-Wing as he did _before_ the mission to Jakku? She had the Force, the same as her brother but she wasn’t a Jedi. What if she had been in his head?

Just that stray, almost natural thought had Poe’s palms sweating and his breathing picking up, his lungs working to get air that wasn’t fucking there.

He nodded at the General, “Right, ok then. I’ll go back to the med-bay.”

General Organa looked at him for a long moment that seemed to stretch on forever before dismissing him. As soon as he was out of the command centre, instead of heading to the med-bay, he went to his room.

He used a shaky finger to let himself into the room, fighting not to break down then and there in the middle of the corridor. As soon as the door had slid shut behind him, Poe shook involuntarily, trapped by the panic that was overwhelming him. He couldn’t breathe. Where was the air? He scratched at his throat, trying to rid it of whatever it was that was keeping him from breathing normally.

_(He was back on the_ Finalizer _and Kylo Ren was ripping through his mind like people rip up trees, with no regard for the damage left in their wake. His head was pounding. The black gloved hand was extending towards him and his throat was closing up. He couldn’t breathe. He was going to pass out. He had no air. He was going to die.)_

He surfaced almost ten minutes later. He gulped desperately for air as he blinked up at the ceiling and the feeling of strangulation passed. Huh. When had he lay down?

Poe sat up and was rewarded by the whole room spinning widely. He breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth until it stopped. Then he got up on unstable legs and staggered into the adjoining bathroom, sitting down on the closed toilet lid and breathing deeply until he felt like his breathing was under control.

He splashed his face with ice cold water, feeling the last bit of lingering anxiety disperse as he did so. When he looked into the mirror, he stopped in shock. He had nail scratches around his neck. They were oozing blood, soaking into the collar of his shirt. He must have done them to himself when he was panicking. There was no way he could go back to the med-bay like this. He’d be admitted himself and he didn’t want that. He wanted to be able to visit Finn.

He decided that he wasn’t going to see Finn after all. He had to hide. He couldn’t let anyone see him like this. Broken and weak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- I was having trouble finding a suitable Star Wars meal that Poe could theoretically make, so I went to Guatemalan cuisine instead. (Damn you Oscar Isaac! *shakes fist*)  
> 2- Chile relleno, according to Wikipedia, “consists of a stuffed, roasted, fresh poblano pepper (a mild chili pepper named after the city of Puebla), sometimes substituted with a non-traditional Hatch chile, Anaheim, pasilla or even jalapeño chili pepper. It is typically stuffed with melted cheese, such as queso Chihuahua or queso Oaxaca or with picadillo meat made of diced pork, raisins and nuts, seasoned with canella; covered in an egg batter or simply corn masa flour and fried. Although it is often served in a tomato sauce, the sauces can vary.”  
> 3- I thought that it was going to be happier... Apparently not. I'm sorry! I really am!!


	4. Finn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- We’re going back to Finn now.  
> 2- I really am sorry about the last chapter.  
> 3- This is a shorter chapter than usual. I hope you don't hate me for that.

_“I feel like a kid, too shy to speak up so I keep it hid_  
_Oh butterflies, you steal my sleep each night_  
  
_I need the sun to break, you've woken up my heart_  
_I'm shaking, all my luck could change…”_  
**\- Need The Sun To Break, James Bay.**

* * *

After an hour of waiting for Poe to come back, Finn sent BB-8 to the command centre. The way he saw it, he would’ve seen his friend by now either because he had a mission and needed the droid or because he didn’t and was coming back to talk to him. Something must have happened. He just didn’t know _what_.

BB-8 came squealing back into Finn’s room ten minutes later. Finn was glad that he had the datapad to keep up with the droid because it was squealing incomprehensively to his ears.

_‘Poe went to command centre – General Organa talked to him. No missions for Poe.’_

“Ok.” Finn nodded, “But where did he go after that?”

_‘But didn’t come back.’_

“I know that BB-8.” He said, glancing at the droid, “I want to know where he is _now_.”

BB-8 trilled, its words appearing on the screen in front of Finn.

_‘Could be in room. In mess hall. In gym. In hanger. In pilots lounge.  I could go and look.’_

“Yeah, go and look. Because you know as much as I’d like to help I can’t get out of bed yet. Like, I’m sure it’s nothing, but still I wanna know. He doesn’t break promises.” Finn replied, adding, “But come back to me when you’ve found him yeah? I don’t need you disappearing as well.”

_‘I’ll come back here once I’ve found him.’_

Finn smiled, “Thanks BB-8. I’ll see you in a bit.”

The little droid rolled out of the room, leaving him in a room empty of people and droids to talk to. He sighed, leaning his head against the pillow behind his head. He imagined BB-8 whizzing around the base, not that Finn knew what it looked like. Still it made him smile. Apart from the med-bay that was, he knew what that part looked like with startling clarity. It made sense, considering this room was all he’d seen since he woke up.

He turned his head on his pillow so he could locate the box that had all of Poe’s notes in, lifting a hand so he could rummage through them. Within a couple of minutes, he had found the one he was looking for. He read it slowly, soaking in the – _love_ he guessed? – infused words.

* * *

Note #12,   
_I think… I’m falling for you. Not slowly either. It kind of feels like I’m in free-fall after a crash. I’m falling for you quickly.  
\- Poe._

* * *

One thing that Finn didn’t understand was Poe’s love for him. Surely the pilot could have anyone else on base or further afield. So why did he fall for Finn, the former Stormtrooper. He’d only done _the right thing_. It wasn’t anything special; anyone would’ve done it. He frowned. What was there that Poe could love? He didn’t think there was anything. Maybe he’d ask Poe when BB-8 found him.

About half an hour later, the door to his room opened and Finn moved his head up so that he could see who or what was entering. It was Doctor Nuttcott. He smiled.

“Finn, I saw Dameron’s droid going out of here.” She said, approaching the bed.

“Yeah, I sent it looking for Poe.” He explained, “He was meant to come back either for BB-8 because he had a mission or because he didn’t have a mission and wanted to hang out with me. He hasn’t come back yet and that was over an hour ago.”

“Well, I’m sure he’ll turn up. He always does.” Doctor Nuttcott replied, smiling, “Moving on, I think that after today you’ll be ok to stand up.”

“Really?!”

Doctor Nuttcott laughed, “Yes Finn. You’ll have to take it steady though, but you will be able to stand up.”

“Thank you.”

“It was all you Finn, no need to thank me.”

He was unused to praise that didn’t come from Poe so he just smiled and did the exercises when Doctor Nuttcott instructed him to. (And the fact that he was used to praise coming from Poe _meant_ something, didn’t it? He felt like it did, but he didn’t know what.)

Lunch had come and gone before Finn saw BB-8 again. It came rolling through the door, its domed head leant forward to the tiled floor dejectedly. It stilled near the bedside table. Instantly, Finn was on alert.

“BB-8?” He said, getting the droids attention, making it look up, “Did you find Poe?”

His datapad lit up a moment later as BB-8 beeped forlornly.

_‘I could not find Poe. He was not in any of the places where I thought he might be.’_

“That’s – that’s not good.” Finn groaned, “If only I could get out of bed then I’d be able to look for him. Dammit!”

_‘I don’t know where Poe is. He isn’t on base.’_

A horrible, _horrible_ thought crossed Finn’s mind causing him to ask urgently, “BB-8, his X-Wing’s still on base right?”

_‘Yes. T-70 is still on base. Why?’_

“I just had the horrible thought that he’d flown somewhere. But that obviously hasn’t happened if his ‘ship is still here.” He hummed in thought, even as his mind whirled with a dozen possibilities as to where the pilot had gone, each more terrible than the last, “So… BB, what’s the terrain like here?”

Instead of answering, BB-8 rolled backwards from Finn’s bedside and projected a holo-image, much like the Skywalker map on the _Millienum Falcon_ , except this one showed green grass and trees and gently sloping hills. Automatically, he thought that Rey would like D’Qar.

BB-8 bleeped three times, rolling back and forth, making the image shake a little.

_‘What are you thinking?’_

“Well, if he’s not on base and not in space, couldn’t Poe be on D’Qar somewhere? Like outside? Is that possible?”

_‘He’s never done that before. He usually goes the hanger to get away from things. Why would he go outside?’_

Finn frowned, the round droid had known Poe for much longer than he had. It could be right. He said, trusting his instinct, “Because if he’s not feeling one hundred percent when it comes to flying, surely going to the hanger – where there are X-Wings – wouldn’t be a good idea?”

_‘You have a fair point. If he has, I can’t get him. Mud isn’t good for my circuits.’_

“And I can’t get out of bed until tomorrow.” He sighed heavily, concern for Poe overriding everything else in his brain, “It looks like we just have to wait until Poe comes to us.”

BB-8 trilled, turning the holo-image off and rolling closer to Finn again.

_‘He will come back, won’t he?’_

Finn found it somewhat comforting that Poe’s droid seemingly wanted reassurance from him. (First the jacket, now his droid. At this rate Poe wouldn’t have any possessions left.) He felt a small, hesitant smile tug at his lips.

“Yeah he will.” He said, settling back into his pillows and pulling the jacket up from his knees to his chin with the hand that wasn’t holding the datapad, “You know why?”

One word came up on the screen of the datapad: _‘Why?’_

“Because I would.”

* * *

Finn woke up the next morning to find BB-8 still next to him. He smiled, stupidly glad that the droid had stayed overnight. It made something warm swell in his chest. Maybe he and BB-8 were getting along after their rocky start on Jakku.

“Hey BB-8.” A weary sounding voice said from the doorway.

Fin jerked his head upwards, his eyes widening involuntarily. It was Poe and he looked _terrible._ The pilot had mud streaked over his face and the bags around his brown eyes seemed darker and more severe than last time. Finn could see marks around Poe’s throat peeking out from under his shirt and he frowned, wondering how the marks got there. He would have to ask.

“Poe!” He said, shocked seeing the pilot in such a state and waking BB-8 up in the process, “Are you alright?”

Poe smiled faintly, “Yeah, definitely.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

Finn watched as Poe made his way over, a little wobbly on his feet, and slumped into the chair next to Finn’s bed. After a few moments of silence between the two men, Finn asked the question that was buzzing around his brain.

“Where were you?” He said, looking at Poe, “You said you’d come back, but you didn’t.”

“I…I went out. I didn’t mean to leave you. But you had BB, so it wasn’t that bad, was it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- BB-8 and Finn bonding! Dammit I love it! It was so fun to write!  
> 2- I love you guys! Seeing the kudos and the comments that you guys give me makes my day so much better!


	5. Poe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- Well, there was a lot of talking in that last chapter and not much of anything else. We’re delving into Poe’s thoughts and feelings. (Also, can you tell that I freakin’ love BB-8?)
> 
> 2- Trigger warning: there’s some fairly self-harming and suicidal thoughts from Poe in this particular chapter.

_“When I wake up,_  
_The dream isn't done._  
_I wanna see your face,_  
_And know I made it home…”_  
**\- Painting Flowers, All Time Low.**

* * *

Poe yelled curses as he stomped around the forest. He didn’t care about making too much noise as he knew that there were no majorly dangerous animals, which sort of reminded him of Yavin 4. After twenty minutes of cursing widely and kicking trees, he came to a stop underneath a tree that towered many feet above him. He looked up into the gently swaying branches, feeling the urge to climb overtake him.

“Fuck it.” He said to himself, reaching up for the first branch and hauling himself up.

He climbed steadily for several minutes until he was able to see the surrounding area. Up here, he could feel the wind brush across his face, making the scratches on his neck sting and spring to the forefront of his mind. What he probably should have done is at least covered them or even gone to the med-bay, but he couldn’t because… because it was his fault that the First Order discovered where BB-8 had been on Jakku. _It had all been his fault._ He deserved the self-inflicted scratches. He deserved _more_. He wanted to hurt. It felt like the only way his guilt could be resolved.

Looking down, he realised that he could throw himself off the branch he was currently sitting on. He shuffled forward a bit, appreciating the way the branch bent under his weight. No one would know. Not for a few days at least. But… there was Finn. He didn’t feel like he could abandon Finn, not after the way they’d hugged on the runway after Takodana and the way the other man looked so _fucking good_ in his jacket and the way Poe thought he was in love with Finn. He shuffled backwards until his back hit the trunk of the tree, letting his legs fall on either side of the branch. No, he wouldn’t do that. Finn was worth it. Even if all he could be to Finn was a friend.

For a while he sat in the tree, thinking about how good Finn was. Poe sighed and lifted his eyes to watch the sunset, the rays of light making him think of the way that Finn’s smile could light up an entire room. He wanted – with all his heart – to spend his life with the former Stormtrooper and that was scary. He’d never felt like this about _anyone_ before. But Finn seemed like his guiding light, the one person he would protect with his own life if it came to that (BB-8 was the only droid that he would sacrifice his own life for). He knew that he wouldn’t regret it either; if that sort of situation came along, Poe knew that he would take Finn being alive over his life.

As darkness fell over D’Qar, Poe decided that he should climb down whilst he could still see how to. It took him a few minutes but he got down without any major injuries. Even with his feet on the ground, he still didn’t want to go back to the base. Not yet.

Instead, he pulled his shirt a bit closer, thankful that it was fairly warm on this planet, and settled at the base of the tree. He was going to attempt to sleep here, on the ground. Poe supposed that he was kind of hoping that the change of scenery would quieten his nightmares, if only for one night.

* * *

When he woke up, it was before dawn. And it was because of a nightmare. Kriffing hell. His plan hadn’t worked and that was irritating beyond words.

Within the first few steps in the forest, he managed to fall and get mud all over his face. For fucks sake. This was not part of the plan in sleeping outside. He continued to walk while trying to wipe the fucking mud off his face.

On his way back to the base, Poe honestly felt like crying. He didn’t want to be like this anymore. He wanted to be back to the pilot he’d been before Jakku. And he _wanted_ Finn... Kriff, did he want Finn. But it would never happen. He just knew it.

It just wouldn’t.

* * *

Poe reached Finn’s room, taking a deep breath to compose himself. He couldn’t show how little sleep he’d had over the previous two nights. He smiled when he saw that his droid was right next to Finn’s bed. Finn was asleep, his chest moving up and down steadily.

“Hey BB-8.” He said, leaning against the doorframe and hoping that his legs didn’t give out of him.

Finn looked up quickly and his eyes widening. Poe yearned for that gaze to be heated and for Finn to love him.

“Poe!” Finn said, his brown eyes showing clear concern to Poe, “Are you alright?”

Finn’s words woke Poe’s droid; BB-8 beeping in greeting. For the moment, he ignored the droid after giving it a brief glance, focusing on his friend lying on the bed. (It sent a slight pain – a good pain though – through Poe’s chest to see Finn still on bed rather than being upright and better.)

“Yeah, definitely.” He replied, feeling his lips turn up into weak smile.

“You don’t sound so sure.”

Poe pushed off from the doorframe and made his way over to the chair still by Finn’s bed, a bit unsteady on his feet. He basically fell into the chair, his legs giving out of him. Hopefully Finn didn’t notice. The chair was as comfy as he remembered it to be, especially with the addition of a spare pillow from his room. It was a couple of minutes later when Finn asked a question.

“Where were you? You said you’d come back, but you didn’t.”

He stuttered as he responded, “I…I went out. I didn’t mean to leave you. But you had BB, so it wasn’t that bad, was it?”

Of all the questions his friend could’ve asked, it had to be that one. Poe sighed mentally, refusing to show how bone tired he was.

“Oh.” Finn said, shooting him a quick smile, “Where did you go? You’ve got mud on your face.”

Poe just blinked tiredly, “Have I?”

Finn laughed a little – that was another sound that Poe really enjoyed hearing – and then said, still smiling, “Yeah, just here.” He gestured with his finger to Poe’s right cheek.

What Poe would give to have Finn touch him. But that wasn’t the point here. The point was that Finn is being a good _friend_ and not what Poe wanted him to be. He was Finn’s friend – his friend dammit. And he was perfectly fine with that. He _was_. (Poe knew he was trying to convince himself. It wasn’t really working.)

Poe swiped at the mud on his cheek, saying, “Is it gone now?”

Finn nodded.

“Good.”

The silence that fell between them wasn’t uncomfortable, Poe thought, it was comfortable, as though they’d known each other forever. Which, of course, wasn’t true, much to Poe’s disappointment.

Before Poe knew what was happening, the door to Finn’s room was opening and Dr Nuttcott was entering the room. He turned his head towards her, thinking that it must be time for Finn’s exercises.

“Did Finn tell you?” Dr Nuttcott asked, coming to stand next to Finn’s bed on the opposite side to Poe.

“No, he didn’t.” He replied slowly, confused, looking at Finn.

BB-8 beeped excitedly as Finn smiled, saying, “I’m going to stand up today.”

Poe couldn’t help himself from leaning forward and clasping Finn’s should gently, aware that the one closest to him was the one that Kylo Ren had stabbed with his lightsabre. He could feel the warmness of Finn’s body through the thin shirt the other man was wearing and tried not to let it distract him.

“Finn! Buddy! That’s great!” He said happily, grinning so wide that his face hurt. He heard BB-8 squeal in delight and laughed.

“Yes it is.” Dr Nuttcott said, smiling a little, “But he won’t be able to stand for long. Shall I assume that it is pointless trying to get you to leave Dameron?”

Poe and Finn spoke at the same time.

“Ah Doc, you know me so well.”

“Yes, I want him here.”

Poe blinked slowly in shock. _Finn wanted him here?_ (If only he meant it in the way that Poe _longed_ for.)

“You – you want me here?” He asked, tilting his head and frowning slightly.

Finn grinned, his teeth strikingly white, “Yeah, of course!”

“I’ll stay put then.” Poe said and then addressed Dr Nuttcott, “Are we gonna get started?”

Finn’s doctor smiled at him and then began to fold Finn’s sheets down, helping him to sit up and putting a few pillows behind is back.

“Are you ready Finn?” She asked, placing a hand gently on Finn’s shoulder.

“Yeah. I am.” Finn nodded firmly, “Let’s do this.”

“I like your enthusiasm Finn, but you know you won’t be stand for long. A few seconds at the maximum.”

“I don’t care. I want to do it.”

Poe smiled, he liked _(loved)_ Finn’s eternal optimism. It was one of many millions of things he loved about Finn. He didn’t have the time to list all the things he loved about the other man. He heard BB-8 bleep encouragingly.

He stood up and went around to the other side of the bed, where Dr Nuttcott was standing, assisting Finn in shuffling his legs around to the edge of the bed. He thought he might be needed to keep Finn steady on his feet after over three weeks of being lay down. There was also the advantage of being able to touch Finn without looking like a really clingy friend, but he wasn’t going to mention that.

Poe watched as Dr Nuttcott steadily lower Finn’s bare feet onto the white tiled floor. He smirked a little when he saw Finn inhale at the coolness of the tiles. Of course they were cold on bare feet.

“You comfy?” He said, gently placing a hand on Finn’s waist. He was quietly pleased when Finn leant into the touch, before firmly reminding himself that it was probably just the help Finn was grateful for. Nothing else.

“I’m glad to be upright again.” Finn replied just before his legs gave out on him, sending him staggering sideways in Poe as BB-8 bleeped in alarm, and Poe swiftly aided Dr Nuttcott in lowering him back down on to the bed.

Poe couldn’t help but smile back at the blinding grin his friend sent his way. He was glad that the first part of real physical recovery was over and now Finn would undoubtedly get better quickly. It was good.

* * *

“Hey Poe?” Finn said.

Poe looked up from his holo-novel. It had been six days since Finn had first stood up and he was improving each day. The doctors thought it was something to do with the drugs the First Order had plied Finn with when he had been a Stormtrooper. Frankly, he didn’t really care _how_ or _why_ Finn was improving at the rate he was. He was just glad that Finn was improving at all. His conscious was constantly reminding him that it could’ve been so much _worse_. (Finn could still be unconscious. Or dead.) He realised that he was just staring at his friend and that he should probably reply.

“Yeah buddy?”

Finn was quiet for several moments, his face showing that he was uncomfortable. Then Finn asked, “What are those marks on your neck?”

Instinctively, Poe brought his hands up to his neck and tugged his shirt collar up to cover the self-inflicted marks. He couldn’t believe that he’d managed to show Finn them. Stupid. _(You’re weak,_ Kylo Ren’s voice echoed in his head.)

Poe laughed, trying to dispel the tension that he could feel in his shoulders. It didn’t work. He tried to smile as he replied, “It’s nothing.”

Finn sat up, frowning, “No. It is something Poe. Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head firmly, voice shaking traitorously as he answered, “N-not really.”

“Ok.” Finn said, obviously accepting the answer, for now, “But if you _do_ want to talk, you know I’m here right? Or if you don’t want that, there’s other people on the base.”

“I – I know that.” Poe said, “But I don’t need to talk.”

“Sure you don’t.”

And that was that. Poe went back to his holo-novel and secretly watched as Finn carried out the exercises that Dr Nuttcott had left him. The muscles in Finn’s strong legs flexed and he mentally stored the wonderful sight away for future use. But no one apart from him needed to know that.

* * *

As Finn steadily recovered, Poe spent more time with him during and after the exercises with Dr Nuttcott, getting to know the man that had taken his heart so easily. (He still wasn’t exactly sure _how_ that had happened.) One day, after a particularly painful session for Finn, Poe brought some of his _chile relleno_ in for his friend to try. The response was as he’d expected; Finn loved it.

“This is amazing Poe.” Finn said, chewing and swallowing his mouthful, “You really made this?”

Poe ducked his head and blushed furiously, “Uh yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment, “I did. Nothing special though.”

“Don’t say that.” Finn was looking at him, passion clear in his deep brown eyes, “It is really good Poe. Don’t undersell yourself.”

“I… ok.” He said quietly, unable to believe that Finn really liked the food that he made that much. It had taken him over an hour to get them perfect and then he’d had to almost run to Finn’s room while they were still hot.

His friend took another mouthful and moaned in delight. Poe fought not to blush and failed. He was glad that Finn had shut his eyes.

“Is there anything you can’t do?” Finn said, his eyes still shut as he finished his _chile relleno_ off, “Like, you can cook, you’re the best pilot in the Resistance…”

Poe cut him off with a mumble, “I don’t think I’m the best pilot in the Resistance anymore buddy.”

“Of course you are!” Finn insisted, opening his eyes to glare at Poe, “You saved us after being tortured by Kylo Ren, and…”

But Poe didn’t hear any more reasons why Finn thought he was still the best pilot in the Resistance because he was focusing on the way that the air disappeared. He gulped frantically in an attempt to get oxygen into his lungs. _(A gloved figure forcing his head back into the chair. The words were spilling out of his mouth. He can’t stop them. He had told the First Order where the map was and where BB-8 was. He was a failure. An utter failure.)_ Shaking his head, he heard a voice say his name in the distance. Who was it? He focused on the voice.

“-oe! Poe! Poe!”

Was that Finn?

He mumbled incoherently to the voice, blinking rapidly, not really focusing on what was in front of him, and struggling to slow his breathing. In and out his chest went. Steadily, the ability to breath came back to him and he was able to concentrate on the round droid in front of him.

There was a few moments of silence and then a concerned voice, “Poe?”

“Y-yeah?” Poe replied and promptly winced at how _raw_ his throat felt.

Finn passed him the glass of water from his bedside table and Poe took it gratefully, thinking that Finn was so good. He didn’t deserve Finn in any form, let alone as a boyfriend. That was what Poe craved with all his heart. It was depressing to think that he would never have the slightest chance with the former Stormtrooper, but that was his life.

“Thanks.” Poe said, putting the empty glass back on the table.

“It’s fine.” Finn said, frowning, “Was that a panic attack?”

BB-8 beeped before Poe can finish opening his mouth. Unable to deny what his droid was telling Finn, he nodded in agreement.

“Is that how you got those marks? Around your neck?” Finn asked, tilting his head to one side.

Poe gulped and nodded, not wanting to talk when he felt so open and raw and _vulnerable_.

Finn hummed, obviously thinking, “I think you need help Poe.”

Unbidden, tears gather in Poe’s eyes. He couldn’t stop them because even when he was recovering from a kriffing _lightsabre_ to the _back_ , Finn was so kind. His tears started to fall. He scrubbed at them with a hand, not really wanting his friend (more than a friend) to see them but it was too late. Finn was leaning forward and putting a strong hand on Poe’s shoulder. He leant slightly into the touch, wanting to savour it.

“Kriff…” Poe mumbled through his tears, “You shouldn’t have to do that. I don’t deserve it – _you_.” He was vulnerable; that was why those words had fallen from his lips, not because he wanted to Finn to know just _how_ much he’d fallen for him.

“Yes, you do. Because you saved us.” Finn said firmly, fingers clasping Poe’s shoulder tightly. The pressure and warmth of Finn’s hand helped to ground Poe. He breathed, in and out, trying to get rid of the tears off his cheeks.

After a while of both of them sitting there – Finn still with his hand on Poe’s shoulder – Finn said quietly, to BB-8, “Can you get Dr Nuttcott?”

BB-8 bleeped and trundled out of the room. A few moments later, Dr Nuttcott arrived with Poe’s droid at her heels.

“BB-8 said you wanted to see me Finn?” She said, glancing quizzically between the two friends, “And Poe?”

“I… Yes.” Finn replied, “Poe wants help.”

Dr Nuttcott tilted her head, turning her gaze to Poe. “You do?” She said, “With what?”

Poe quickly shrugged off Finn’s hand, suddenly all too aware of Finn’s body warmth seeping into his fingers, and Dr Nuttcott’s penetrating gaze resting on him. He shifted in his seat, glancing down at his lap and tangling his fingers together, and mumbled, “For the panic attacks. And the nightmares too I suppose.”

It was quiet in the room for a few moments, before Dr Nuttcott replied, “I’m not really trained to deal with that kind of thing, but I have a colleague who is. Would you be alright with me arranging a meeting with her?”

Poe blinked, trying to get used to someone helping him, “I – yeah. I suppose. Thank you.”

Dr Nuttcott smiled and said, “You’re helping yourself Poe. There’s no need to thank me.”

Before Poe could try to thank her again, she left. He figured that she was serious about him helping himself, though he wasn’t sure how that would happen. Not when his own mind seemed to be against him sometimes. He felt like it would take time and plenty of it.

BB-8 trilled curiously.

Finn laughed softly, “He is, isn’t he?”

“Unfair!” Poe said, pointing a finger at his friend and then at his droid, “I thought you guys were my friends.”

BB-8 beeped.

He clasped his chest, where his heart was, saying, “How dare you BB? I thought we were in this together.”

BB-8 beeped again.

“Shush BB.” He patted the droid’s round head before focusing on Finn, “What d’you think?”

“About what?”

“About me getting help.” Poe said and then amended, remembering Dr Nuttcott insistent words, “About me helping myself.”

Finn grinned – _oh, that grin_ melted Poe’s heart and his brain – and said, “I’m glad that you’re doing it. Even if it did take a little persuasion from me.”

He laughed, “I guess it did. Thanks.”

* * *

It was Poe’s first session with Dr Natkim Garrant – Dr Nuttcott had told him who he was seeing two days after he’d told her about the nightmares and panic attacks, when he had been with Finn, playing cards – and he was nervous.

The room as a whole didn’t look like a somewhere where people went to for help mentally. The room was bigger than Finn’s room in the med-bay and the walls were painted in a soothing brown colour, the beige carpet under Poe’s bare feet soft and fluffy. There was space for a two-seater sofa and two comfy chairs. There was also a stack of fluffy cushions in the corner near the door. The atmosphere was almost as comforting as his X-Wing’s cockpit and being by Finn’s side, which did a fair amount to calming Poe.

He was currently sat on a sofa, a fluffy cushion on his lap for his fingers to unconsciously curl into. His Doctor was smiling at him from where she was sat on a smaller but equally comfy looking chair.

“You said you have nightmares?” She said.

He gulped, wishing that he didn’t have to answer that, but knowing that it would be better in the long run if he did.

“Y-yeah.”

“What about?” She asked.

“About _him_ , Kylo Ren.” Poe replied, in a low voice, “About what he did to me before Finn saved me.” He smiled at the thought of Finn.

“And what did he do?”

* * *

Once the forty-five minute session was over, Poe felt overexposed, defenceless and ridiculously tired. He hadn’t thought that he’d made any progress, but Dr Garrant – _Natkim_ she had told him to call her – had assured him that it was alright for the session to feel like that. It was going to be a slow process; he wouldn’t just be _fine_ in the space of one session.

All Poe wanted to do was go to back to his room and crash in his bed for a while, even if that did mean putting up with the nightmares, but he couldn’t. At least, not straight away, because he’d promised Finn that he’d drop by after his session.

He sighed and trudged towards Finn’s room slowly. When he reached the doorway, he paused, listening to his droid beep to Finn. It made something in his chest bloom with warmth and he smiled. Finn was so _nice_ and prefect and unbelievably out of his league it was almost painful. But he still walked into the room, smile in place.

“Poe!” Finn said, grinning widely.

“Hey Finn,” Poe replied, nudging BB-8 out of the way so he could sit in the chair next to Finn’s bed, “How are you?”

“Good. How’d it go?”

“It…it wasn’t actually that bad. If unexpectedly tiring.” He said honestly, dragging a hand through his curly hair, “Which I really wasn’t expecting.”

“Do you think it helped?”

“No, but my Doctor, Natkim, said that was ok. That it was going to take time.”

Finn smiled again, “You know, if you’re so tired, you should go and have a nap.”

“That…” Poe trailed off, thinking of his bed and his pillow, soft and fluffy, “Doesn’t sound that much like a bad idea.”

“Go on then.” Finn shooed him away with his hands, “Go. I’ve got BB-8 to keep me company and I assume you’ll appear at dinner, so _go_.”

“Fine, fine. I’m going.” Poe said, standing up and walking towards the door, “But I’ll be back.”

“I know you will.”

As Poe left the room, he was silently amazed at the amount of trust Finn had in him. He felt like he didn’t deserve it. But he pushed that particular thought away and concentrated on the warmth in his chest that hadn’t gone away since he heard Finn and BB-8 communicating as he’d entered Finn’s room.

* * *

_He was thrashing, trying desperately to get out of the restraints that were holding him down against his will. There was no way he was going to get out of this alive. Kylo Ren was going to kill him. Of that, he was certain. He was going to die without seeing BB-8 again, without seeing Jess, Snap or any of his other squad mates again, without seeing the General again. Maybe it would be better this way. He wouldn’t have to confess to General Organa that he let her down, that he betrayed the Resistance, that he was useless._

Poe sat bolt upright in his bed, sweat running down his face and mixing with the tears that he’d apparently shed during the nightmare. As he slowly became aware of where he was – in his bed, in his room, on the Resistance Base on D’Qar – he focused on breathing and relaxing his taught muscles. In and out. In and out. Until he felt like he could make it to the bathroom without collapsing on the floor.

Once in the bathroom, Poe stripped off his sweat-soaked sleeping shirt and boxers before jumping in the ‘fresher. After ten minutes of almost boiling water, he was done. He got out and got dressed in fresh clothes, which was nice.

He could go back to Finn’s room, even if they didn’t talk it would be nice. He really didn’t think he could go back to sleep, not after that nightmare. He sighed and walked out of his room.

* * *

“Hey Finn.” Poe said as he sat down on the chair next to Finn’s bed. The brilliant smile that Finn gave him in response was enough to almost entirely dispel any lasting effects of the nightmare. “Hey BB-8.”

The droid beeped once.

“You’re back.” Finn replied, still smiling.

“Course I’m back.” Poe smiled back and then muttered, _“I’ll always come back.”_

Finn didn’t seem to have heard what Poe had muttered, which Poe was grateful for, as he asked, “Have you had any food yet?”

He rubbed the back of his head, feeling chastised, “No, I haven’t. I did have a nightmare though, so there’s that.”

Finn placed a hand on Poe’s shoulder briefly, sending a warm shiver down his spine. Poe wondered what it would be like to touch _skin on skin_ and then quickly shut that line of thought down. The last thing he needed right now was _those_ kind of dirty (dirty, dirty) thoughts when Finn was being all concerned about him. He really didn’t.

Finn was looking at him. Maybe he said something while Poe was thinking about them both naked and in bed together. Poe smiled bashfully at the floor and said, “Sorry, I missed that.”

“I said, what was the nightmare about?” Finn repeated.

“Oh. Yeah…” He shrugged, “The usual.”

“Ah…” Finn said, twisting his hands in his lap, obviously awkward, “I’m glad you’re here though.”

Poe smiled brightly before BB-8 bleeped several times in a row, moving to in between Poe’s chair and the side of Finn’s bed.

Poe didn’t bother to translate the binary because Finn had reached over to the bedside table, showing a truly _glorious_ amount of dark, delicious-looking skin, and picked up his datapad, clicking it on and reading BB-8 response.

Finn laughed and stretched to pat the round droid on its head, saying, “I’m glad you’re here as well BB-8.”

BB-8 trilled happily and whirled in a circle, banging against Poe’s chair leg.

* * *

That night, he couldn’t sleep and elected to walk around instead of staring at the celling for the night. He roamed the halls of the base for hours. It was, after all, the middle of the night. Somehow, he didn’t think that Finn would appreciate a nightly visit from him, not when he was trying to sleep. Even if all Poe wanted to do was sit by Finn’s beside, he thought that might be a step too far, even for him. Watching a guy sleep? Creepy. And he wasn’t ready to cross that line. Even though, technically, he’d watched Finn while he’d been in a coma, but that was different. _Finn had been in a coma._ Poe had been worried about him.

When the sun rose, he was sitting in the middle of the runway, admiring the view. It was a truly spectacular view, with the trees and the lake in the distance. It reminded him that he needed to get Finn out of the med-bay so they could look at either a sunrise or a sunset together, preferably sooner rather than later. It wouldn’t be a date. It wouldn’t. Finn didn’t feel like that for him.

Two hours later, he heard a very familiar beeping and turned towards it.

“Hey BB-8.” He said, willing a smile to his face.

BB-8 beeped, nudging itself against Poe’s side.

“Right, right.” Poe replied, getting up as prompted, “Of course. I hadn’t forgotten you know.”

His droid bleeped sceptically as it followed him to Natkim’s office.

“I hadn’t! I just couldn’t sleep.” When BB-8 beeped comfortingly, he said, “Yeah, cause of nightmares.”

They had reached the door to Natkim’s office, so Poe said, “Go and visit Finn. I’m sure he’d appreciate it.”

BB-8 whistled that Finn would like _his_ company more before wheeling away.

Poe blushed, ducking his head and muttering, “Dammit BB.”

The door in front of him opened, revealing Doctor Natkim, who said, “Why are you badmouthing your droid?”

“Ah.” Poe said, scratching the back of his neck, suddenly all too aware of how he probably looked, with the deep bags around his eyes, his wayward hair and the clothes from yesterday. “Would you believe me if I said nothing?”

“No.” Natkim said firmly, stepping aside to let him in, “Come in Poe.”

He sighed and entered the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- I told you guys that Poe would get help in this chapter. Are you happy now?
> 
> 2- Your kudos and comments mean the world to me!
> 
> 3- Sorry about the long(ish) wait for this chapter – college work suddenly appeared.


	6. Finn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- I’m hoping that you’ll forgive me for the long wait with this chapter and that the content will make up for the wait.  
> 2- I'm officially in Uni, so that's exciting (and slightly terrifying)!  
> 3-I'm on the east coast of the USA on holiday right now, so forgive the formatting, I'll sort it out when I get back. This also means that I might now respond to your comments right away, but I promise that I will.

_“You're out of sight,_  
_But not out of mind._  
_I had a dream that I kissed your lips and it felt so true…”_  
**\- Fell For You, Green Day.**

* * *

Finn was thrilled to be able to leave the med-bay. It had been – according to Poe at any rate – just over five weeks since Starkiller Base. Although he’d been unconscious for the first three weeks. He frowned even as he did the final few tests Dr Nuttcott had told him to carry out.

“Something wrong Finn?” She asked, pausing in writing her notes and looking at him.

“No, just thinking that I’ll be glad to get out of the med-bay finally.” Finn said, wanting her to continue with the tests.

“What? You don’t like my company?”

This was the kind of thing that Finn enjoyed about the Resistance, the willingness of everyone to joke around. If Poe was to be believed, the pilots did it all the time off missions and sometimes on missions as well. Which reminded him that Poe had said that once he’d moved into their shared room (although Finn didn’t really understand what he had to _move_ – he only owned the jacket which had originally belonged to Poe and he was wearing that now), he’d take him to the hanger to meet Jess and Snap. From what Finn could gather, they were pilots like Poe and they’d been friends since Poe left the Republic fleet to work for the Resistance.

“Of course I do.” Finn said, smiling widely even as he felt a tremor go up his right leg.

“Well, you’re not getting rid of me that easily Finn.” Dr Nuttcott said, “You still have to come for several sessions of physical rehabilitation, which will last at least another two months, if not more depending on your progress.”

  
“Is that all?” He asked, wanting to learn about his treatment, something he was never allowed to even think about when he’d been with the First Order.

Fortunately Dr Nuttcott seemed to understand his urge to learn and answered, “No, you’ll have to also see Dr Natkim Garran for half a dozen sessions at least.”

“What for?”

“Your mental health. And I don’t mean it in a way that implies that you’re going to go back to the First Order.” She explained kindly as she assisted him in sitting back down on the end of the bed, “We just want to make sure that you’re stable after your… upbringing.”

Finn nodded, “Ah.”

Just then, Poe came through the door to his room, BB-8 at his heels. Finn’s friend promptly dropped to his knees, hands held above his head, and proclaimed loudly, “Finn, you’re free!”

Dr Nuttcott rolled her eyes and muttered, “Pilots. Always with the dramatics.”

Finn laughed and grinned as Poe got up off the tiled floor. BB-8 rolled to Finn’s feet and beeped insistently.

“I don’t have my datapad BB-8,” Finn said, looking down at the round droid, “So I can’t understand you.”

BB-8 bleeped sadly and tilted its head towards the floor. Poe came up to it and patted its head, saying, “I’ll tell him, shall I?”

The round droid perked up at that, rolling in a small circle and then pushing against Poe’s legs. Poe laughed and Finn thought that the sound was something he wanted to hear more of.

“BB wanted to tell you that it’s glad you’re recharged and fixed.”

“I am. I’m feeling much better.” He smiled as the droid whooped in delight.

Poe turned to Dr Nuttcott and asked, “Is there anything else Finn needs to do or can I take him?”

Dr Nuttcott raised an eyebrow, “Eager aren’t you?”

Poe’s face went bright red as he stuttered, “Er, n-no. W-what are you talking about?”

Finn’s doctor laughed gently before patting the blushing Poe on the back and replying, “Nothing. You can take him now Poe.”

Poe turned to Finn and said with great enthusiasm, “Let’s get out of here!”

“Ok?” Finn felt a bit bewildered as he allowed his friend to pull him up off the bed and out of the room.

* * *

Once they arrived at Poe’s room and Poe had opened the door after pressing a code into the panel next to the door, he stepped aside just inside the door to let Finn have a good look. Finn did exactly that. The room that was modest, with a set of bunk beds against the left wall and a small desk that was scattered with various papers and several pens. There was a small circular window above the desk that let light in and a contraption that Finn assumed was BB-8’s charging station on the floor next to the desk. There was a dark-coloured wardrobe, as tall as the top bunk bed, at the end of the beds and opposite an ajar door, which Finn assumed led to a bathroom. BB-8 rolled past Finn and over to the contraption by the desk and shut itself down.

“It’s so big!” He exclaimed, stepping into the room fully and letting the door shut behind him. If this was a First Order barracks, there would be at least another three bunks squished in here, if not four.

“Not really…” Poe said, reminding Finn of his presence, “But there are some upsides of being the Resistance’s best pilot I suppose.”

“No, I mean it. This is big compared to the First Order. There’d be at least another two if not more bunks fitted in here.” Finn insisted, turning to his friend.

“Right. Ok then.”

Finn waited for Poe to say something else, but he didn’t. He said, “Didn’t you say that you were going to introduce me to Jess and…Snap, was it?”

Poe’s face lit up with a smile, “Oh yeah, I did, didn’t I? Let’s go.”

Finn followed the pilot to the hanger, where there were stationary several X-Wings in a line. Poe led him to an X-Wing that had a hole in the bottom. There were a pair of orange-clad legs sticking out of the hole. Poe banged on the hull of the ‘ship. The person in the ‘ship swore and then climbed out.

“Poe, what do you want?” The woman said, flicking her black hair out of the way.

“I want you to meet Finn,” Poe replied, looping an arm around Finn’s waist, which wasn’t unwelcome, “Finn, this is Jess.”

The women – Jess – smiled and said, “Hey Finn. Nice to meet the guy who Poe’s been all but sleeping next to for the previous three weeks.”

Finn stuttered, “I-I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Oh but it is.” Jess said and then raised her voice to yell, “Oi! Snap! C’mere and meet Poe’s love interest!”

Finn barely heard Poe’s muttered, _“Testor, don’t say that!”_ before a brown-haired man came jogging over, joining the group.

“Hello, I’m Temmin Wexley, but call me Snap. Everyone else does.” The man said, offering his hand for Finn to shake.

Finn shook it, his mind mulling over why this man would want to be called ‘Snap’. He couldn’t think of any reasons. Maybe Poe knew why. He resolved to ask the other man later on.

The three pilots dissolved into talk that Finn didn’t understand – but whether it was because he didn’t properly understand the socialisation rules outside of the First Order or because he wasn’t a pilot, he wasn’t quite sure. Instead, he let his eyes roam around the hangar, taking in the all the jobs everyone else was doing. He assumed that each Resistance member was here of their own accord, their own choice, without having to be forced or threatened or conditioned into attending. That was a foreign concept for Finn and he made a mental note to ask Poe about it.

Suddenly, he was clapped on the shoulder, shocking his attention and gaze back to the three now laughing pilots. His eyes drifted automatically to Poe, who was grinning.

“Sorry buddy. I should’ve realised that pilot talk was boring to you.”

Finn protested, “No, no. It’s not. I just… don’t understand it."

Poe chuckled, “Understandable. But I think we should go to the mess now, for some food. I’m hungry.”

* * *

When they reached the mess hall, Finn was amazed and a little overwhelmed by the noise echoing out of the double doors. Unconsciously, he moved a little more towards Poe as they entered.

“Finn?” Poe said.

“Yeah?”

“D’you want to go and find a table for us?”

“S-sure.” Finn stuttered, feeling like he was floated aimlessly in the dark expanse of space when his friend went to join the line for food. He gulped and went to find an empty table. Eventually, he found one near the back of the hall and hoped that Poe could find him.

Ten minutes later, Poe arrived with a tray balanced on each hand and a bottle of _something_ under each arm. He set them down on the small table, passing Finn a bottle and sliding one tray over to him.

“What’s this?” Finn asked, picking up the bottle. He knew what water looked like and the liquid in the bottle didn’t look like water.

“It’s buckleberry juice, you’ll like it,” Poe explained, digging into his own meal, “It’s sweet.”

He unscrewed the bottle and took a small sip. Poe was right, it was sweet. He looked up, into Poe’s brown eyes and said, “It’s nice. I like it.”

Poe laughed, a pink flush appearing on his cheeks, “Glad you do.”

They ate in relative silence until Finn decided to ask one of the questions that had been floating around his mind.

“Why is Snap called ‘Snap’?” He said, finished his mouthful of noodles first.

The pilot laughed loudly and Finn crinkled his eyebrows, confused.

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just, when we were flying together in the New Republic, Snap had a tendency to…well snap at anyone who interrupted his morning caf.” Poe replied, a smile on his lips, “It was pretty funny to see him start to snap at a pilot who’d been there longer than we had. It’s the same here really, no one gets in between Snap and his caf, not even the General.”

Finn went wide-eyed at that, the idea of a higher-ranking officer letting a pilot get his own way. (Something that would _never_ happen in the First Order.)

Poe nodded, “Anything else you want to know?”

“Yes…” He paused, wondering if he should ask and then continued, reasoning that Poe would be the last one to judge him, “How does the Resistance gain new recruits, if we’re hiding from the First Order?”

“We tend to get decent amount of recruits who are angry about the way the First Order are trying to take of the entire Kriffing galaxy. But we also get new recruits from when planets have been…decimated by the First Order.” Poe replied, tapping his fork against his plate, “They’re sad and angry about their home planets being all but destroyed, which is dangerous and good.”

“Ok…” Finn felt like he was gaining some kind of insight into how the Resistance was run, “Why is it dangerous?”

Poe’s eyes drift off into the distance, “Because it makes them liable to do stupid stuff that’s not in the mission briefing.”

“I think I understand.”

* * *

That night, before they went to bed, Poe asked him a question that he didn't know how to answer.

"I don't know what you mean Poe." He replied, pulling a soft, worn blue shirt over his head to sleep in. He thought that the shirt was originally Poe's, but now it belonged to him.

Poe gaped at him, his eyes open wide in shock. "W-what do you mean? You don't know which bunk you want?"

Finn shrugged, feeling the shirt slide up over his stomach and his back protest any the movement, "I don't know."

"You know what? I'm going to make the decision for you." Poe said, slipping his trousers off and placing them over the desk chair, "With your back, you are sleeping on the bottom bunk."

He wasn't going to analyse the hit feeling that bloomed in his stomach when he saw Poe's strong, muscular legs. Instead, he got into the bottom bunk as decided by his friend.

A few minutes later, the lights went out and the bunk above him squeaked as Poe climbed in.

"Night Finn."

This was obviously a thing people who weren't in First Order did before going to sleep, Finn thought.

"Goodnight Poe."

* * *

It was time for Finn’s first session with Doctor Natkim Garrat. And he was stalling, anxiety settling in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to go in.

“Buddy?”

“Yeah Poe?” Finn blinked and focused on the door in front of him. He knew it was just a door but his feet didn’t want to move. He couldn’t move them.

“Are you going to go in?”

“I – I suppose?” He cringed inwardly at how unsure he sounded.

Poe stepped around him, brushing past his shoulder, and opened the door. “C’mon, there’s nothing there apart from Natkim and a bunch of really comfy seats.”  
He still hadn’t moved an inch.

“Sure?”

“You don’t sound so sure buddy.”

(That word – _‘buddy’_ – made something else bloom in Finn’s stomach and he didn’t know what that was either.)

“I am sure.”

He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and he turned to find Poe looking at him with concern in his deep brown eyes. His stomach flipped unreasonably.

Poe smiled slightly, “D’you want me to ask if I can sit in with you? Would that help?”

“I…I… Yeah. I think it would help.”

Poe’s smile turned into a full-on grin and he grabbed Finn’s hand, pulling him gently through the already open door. Doctor Garrant looked up from her work and smiled.

“Hey Natkim!” Poe said, leading Finn to the two-seater sofa and sitting down.

Finn cautiously settled into the seat, realising in the comfort of the sofa and the closeness of his friend, and looked at the doctor. His first thought was that she didn’t _look_ like the doctor he had that time in the First Order when he’d broken his ankle. To begin with, she was a woman and not a metal droid. Maybe his anxiety had been for nothing.

“Hello Poe,” The doctor said,

“What are you doing here? Your session isn’t until later on.”

Poe smiled in the way that made Finn’s stomach flip for some unknowable reason and answered her, “Finn was worried about coming in, so I thought I’d come for the first time, if that’s alright.”

“I don’t mind, so long as it’s ok with Finn.”

“Y-yeah. I’m fine with it.” Finn stuttered. He’d stuttered because Poe had placed his arm across the top of the sofa, the bottom of his arm pressing lightly against the top of Finn’s shoulders. It was distracting, but comforting. It reminded him that he wasn’t alone in this unfamiliar room; he had Poe, it would be alright.

“Shall we talk about that to begin with?” She asked gently, pushing her work to one side and sitting down on the chair opposite.

“Sure.”

* * *

Finn sighed as he and Poe left Natkim’s room.

“I see what you mean when you said you felt time after your first appointment.” He said, feeling his eyes sliding shut and forcing them open again.

Poe slung an arm around his shoulders as they walked back to their room, “I thought you might, so you go and have a rest while I go to the hanger to see what mess BB-8’s got itself into.”

Finn laughed even as a tingling went down his spine which had nothing to do with his injury, “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I’m not so sure, BB-8 will have probably started a droid war with Jess’s droid.”

“Fair point.”

A few minutes later, Finn and Poe had arrived back at the room. Finn pressed the code that Poe had told him two days ago into the panel next to the door and they parted ways.

“Come down to the hangar when you’re ready yeah?”

Finn nodded, “Will do Poe. See you in a bit.”

* * *

When he woke up, he lay there in the bottom bunk and reflected on how much his life had changed from two months ago. On the _Finalizer_ , he hadn’t got a name, he hadn’t got friends, he hadn’t got any feelings and perhaps most importantly, he hadn’t had any _freedom_. Now, he had all those things. He smiled and then decided it was time for him to go to the hanger.

Once he was dressed in some of the clothes Poe had acquired for him in the two days he’d been out of the med-bay and grabbed the datapad from his bedside table, he headed out towards the hanger. Finn thought that maybe the pilot was his best friend, as well as Rey of course. When he arrived at the hanger a few minutes later, he was greeted enthusiastically by BB-8.

He patted the round droid on the head, saying, “Hey BB. Where’s Poe?”

The datapad lit up in his left hand, ‘ _He’s fixing T-70. Come on.’_

BB-8 rolled just in front of him, leading Finn towards the ‘ship. When they reached the ‘ship, BB-8 burbled to Poe.

  
‘ _Poe, Finn’s here.’_

Poe swore from where his head was inside the underside of the ‘ship and then his head of black curls appeared from underneath.

“Hey Finn!”

He couldn’t help but notice how his friend’s face, collarbones, neck, arms and hands were smeared with black oil. It made something explode in the pit of his stomach. Finn smiled uncontrollably, “Hi Poe, what are you doing?”

“Recalibrating the hyperdrive.” Poe replied, smiling, his teeth blindingly white against the darkness of the oil smeared diagonally across his face, “It’s not a major thing, but I’d prefer it to be spot on for the next mission.”

Finn wondered if his friend was aware of the black oil across his face before saying, “You’ve got a mission?”

“Well, not yet. But it’ll only be a matter of time before the General gives me one.”

Finn’s stomach fell to the floor and he tried not to let his disappointment show on his face. (Why was he disappointed in the first place?) He said, “Ah. That makes sense.”

BB-8 bleeped several times in a row and Finn’s datapad lit up.

  
‘ _Poe, are you going to tell Finn about your plans for later? For after your session with Natkim?_ ’

“I was just getting to it BB. Don’t rush me.”

  
‘ _If you listened to me half the time you would already have talked to him about it.’_

Finn grinned as Poe glared down at the droid.

“What were you going to ask?” Finn asked, wanting to know.

“I was going to ask, considering that you haven’t really been outside apart from the hanger since you woke up, if you wanted to have a picnic.”

Finn felt his eyebrows draw together in confusion and asked, “Poe, what’s a picnic?”

“It’s a meal that you eat outside, usually on blankets.”

“Why do you eat it outside?”

“Because it’s fun.”

“Ok.” Finn said, nodding, “I trust you.”

Poe smiled widely, “Ok, I’ll see you after my session and BB-8 has somewhere to take you.”

‘ _I do?’_

“Yeah, you’ve gotta take Finn to the General.”

  
‘ _Oh yes!’_

“Why am I seeing the General?”

“I’m not going to tell you, she’s going to tell you.” The pilot said, gently pushing Finn towards the hanger door, “But I’ll see you later, for the picnic?”

“Of course!”

* * *

It turned out that the General wanted to officially give Finn a place in the Resistance, even though he’d been lurking on the D’Qar base since the destruction of Starkiller Base. BB-8 squealed in joy at his feet as he tried not to let the shock show on his face.

“R-really?”

General Organa smiled kindly – Finn thought that the propaganda he’d heard about her from the First Order was completely wrong – and replied, “Yes Finn. You’re a true Resistance member now.”

“Wow… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything, although,” Her mouth curled into a smirk, “Thank you would probably be a good start.”

“Thank you General.” Finn said fervently, “Thank you so much.”

“It was my intention to initiate you into the Resistance once you were better, but I forgot about it until BB-8 reminded me yesterday.”

He looked down at the round droid in disbelief and said, “BB-8? You did that for me?”

The datapad buzzed in his hand as the droid responded: ‘ _Poe loves you. I like you. It seemed like the right thing to do.’_

Finn felt like hugging the droid, “Thanks BB. That means a lot to me.” Almost like he had a home now.

  
‘ _It was nothing. It was Poe’s idea as well.’_  


* * *

After the General had explained the intricacies of being with the Resistance, Finn was free to leave. The first thing he wanted to do was find Poe and thank him. He was surprised to learn that he’d been with the General for just under an hour; he had thought that he’d only been with her for half an hour.

He tilted his head down towards BB-8, asking, “Where will Poe be now?”

  
‘ _He has had his session with Doctor Natkim, so he will be at your room, getting changed.’_

“Let’s head there then.”

When Finn arrived at the room and opened the door, he was greeted the sight of Poe’s half-naked back. Obviously the pilot had just got out of the shower, looking at the way water droplets slid down the tan skin and soaked into the white towel the other man had around his waist.

Involuntarily, Finn gulped audibly as BB-8 rolled past him, heading to the charging station.

Poe half-turned as he pulled a shirt over his head and grinned, “Finn! I’m almost ready. Give me a minute.”

“O-ok.” Finn said, defiantly _not_ looking at how wet Poe’s hair was and how it curled at the base of his neck, where he could see small water droplets slide down under the man’s white t-shirt. (Ok so maybe he was, just a little bit.)

Once Poe was ready and Finn had finished not-staring-totally-staring at him, they exited their room and Poe began to walk purposefully towards the doors leading to the kitchen. Finn followed, trying to get the mental image of Poe’s wet back and the way his muscles had shifted under his tan skin.

“What are we doing?” Finn asked, glancing at his friend for an explanation.

“We are getting the food for our picnic from the kitchens,” Poe said, “I can’t just make it appear out of nowhere. I’m not a Jedi.”

Finn smiled, saying nostalgically, “That’s not how the Force works.”

“Isn’t it? Huh. I always thought that the Force worked how you wanted it to work.” He winked at Finn.

As they reached the kitchens, Poe went ahead to get their food while Finn waited patiently by the door. Finn thought that the wink Poe had directed at him meant that the pilot was joking, but he couldn’t be sure. In a few minutes, Poe was walking back out of the door with a basket in one hand and a medium-sized bottle of what looked like buckleberry juice. Finn smiled; he liked buckleberry juice, he had a glass every morning with his breakfast.

Poe must have seen him looking at the bottle because he said a few moments later, as they were walking away from the kitchens and towards the nearest door that would lead them outside, “Buckleberry juice Finn. I know how much you like it.”

Finn smiled, it was little things like that which reminded him that Poe loved him ( _loved_  him). (What did he feel for Poe?) It was also easy to see how the pilot had so many friends – he was just so _kind_ , which was kind of new to Finn as no one had been kind or even vaguely sympathetic to anyone else when he'd been a Stormtrooper. It had made for a paranoid and stressful working environment, one where the ‘troopers were ready and willing to sell one another out for the tiniest mistakes. Needless to say, he had no desire to go back. He was far better off here, walking to the outside with Poe, his first friend. Rey would always have a special place in his head because she looked at him like a person rather than just a cog in a machine, which was how General Hux and Captain Phasma viewed him and all the other ‘troopers, but Poe was his _first_ proper friend. Nines, Zeros and Slip didn’t count, not really.

“Buddy?”

“Yeah?” Finn said, blinking a little at the change in light. He hadn’t realised that they’d gone outside. It was very green, with lots of trees scattered around.

“What you thinking about?” Poe asked, tilting his head towards Finn.

“Nothing much.” He replied, shrugging a shoulder in half-answer and looking around,

“Where are we?”

After putting the basket and bottle of buckleberry juice on the grass, Poe spread his arms out wide and turned in a circle, saying, “We are still on D’Qar – obviously – but we’re away from the base by about twenty minutes. This is near the place I came when I left you with BB-8. Remember?”

Finn nodded as they sat down on the blanket that Poe had brought, “I remember.

Poe unpacked the basket to Finn’s undisguised amazement. It seemed amazing to him that people could have meals outside of the mess hall. The pilot poured a glass of buckleberry juice for each of them and they began to eat the _chile relleno_. It was delicious.

“Did you make this?”

Poe nodded, “Yeah. D’you like it?”

Finn groaned as he took another bite, “Yeah, it’s so good.”

Poe smiled, “Glad to hear it.”

Once all the _chile relleno_ had been eaten and the buckleberry juice drank, Finn laid back on the blanket, rubbing his stomach. Maybe he shouldn’t have had that last _chile relleno_ , but it’d been so nice.

“Full buddy?”

The warmth and slight amusement in the other man’s tone of voice should have made Finn feel self-conscious, but it didn’t, it just made him feel…loved.

“Yeah. I blame you though.”

“Oh yeah? How so?”

“It’s entirely your fault that those things taste so nice.”

Poe laughed, “Sure it is.”

“Do we have to go anywhere?”  
Poe’s answer was quiet, understated, “No, not yet.”

* * *

It must have been over an hour of just lying on the blanket and relaxing. Neither Finn nor Poe had felt the need to talk apart from the occasional comment about the slowly darkening sky. As the sun set, Poe offered a hand to Finn and pulled him upright so he could see the sun setting better.

“Wow. That’s amazing.” Finn murmured, taking in the scene with wide-open eyes. He’d never seen anything like this before.

Poe was quiet for a long, stretched out moment and then he said, “Not as amazing as you.”

“T-thanks.”

“It’s true.”

* * *

By the time they got back to their room, Finn was tired. As in ‘almost falling asleep on his own feet’ tired. When he reached the room and therefore the bed, he managed to summon the energy to wrestle his shoes off and flop on the bottom bunk. He heard Poe laugh.

“Don’t laugh at me.” He tried to say but his words were somewhat muffled by his comfy, comfy pillow.

“I’m not.”

“Lier.”

A minute or two later, he felt the pilot gently pull at his shoulder.

“Finn, you need to get undressed.”

“Don’t care.” He mumbled almost incoherently.

Poe chuckled, “You will tomorrow morning trust me.”

“I do trust you.”

He complied with Poe’s gentle request and helped the pilot strip him of his trousers and shirt, leaving him in his underwear. Once he was undressed, Finn smiled at Poe and fell asleep quickly.

* * *

It had been three weeks since his first ever picnic and Finn felt like he was settling in well with the Resistance. Especially because he had Poe as a roommate, which was really good because there were many things that he didn’t quite understand. He could simply ask Poe, who was always more than happy to clear his confusion up, or he asked BB-8, who was also happy to help. He also felt like he was making more friends than just Poe and his droid – Snap and Jess in particular. He was happy.

* * *

_There were lips touching his. It was nice. Finn blinked open his eyes to find Poe’s eyes looking at him. Instead of freaking out, all Finn did was wrap his arms around Poe’s shoulders and pull him closer, so that their chests were touching and so that Finn could imagine hearing Poe’s heartbeat. He felt at peace, like nothing could ever come between them, when he had Poe in his arms, like there was no other place for him to be in the entire Galaxy. Finn thought, as he continued to kiss Poe, with the introduction of tongue this time, that this made sense._

* * *

“Are you alright Finn?”

Finn jolted from where he was doing the physical exercises set out by Doctor Nuttcott at the beginning of his physical rehabilitation sessions. “W-what?”

She smiled kindly, “You seem distracted. That’s all.”

He thought about it seriously for a few minutes, pausing in his exercises, and then decided to tell her. He couldn’t ask Poe or BB-8 for help because the problem (was it _really_ a problem though?) was about Poe and if he told BB-8, the droid would probably tell Poe and the whole base besides. He didn’t want that. It wasn’t like Doctor Nuttcott would tell Poe, plus he didn’t have a session with Natkim for another day, by which time the dream would have probably driven him mad. Not literally though.

“I am distracted…” He began, wondering how to phrase it so she understood the problem when he wasn’t entirely sure what is was himself, “I… I had a weird dream last night.”

Doctor Nuttcott tilted her head, “You did? Weird how?”

Finn looked down at his hands and twiddled them as he said, quietly, “I dreamt that I was kissing… Poe. And I don’t know what to do. I usually turn to Poe when I don’t understand something, but I feel like this will send the wrong signals, seeing as he’s in love with me, and I don’t know how I feel about him. I just… don’t _know_.”

“I’m really not qualified for this, but I’ll try to help nonetheless.” That made Finn feel kind of bad, but then she continued, “But I think what you need to do is examine your feelings about Poe more closely. Talk to him, get to know him more. See what happens when you spend time with him.”

Finn nodded, that sounded like something he could do.

“Now,” Doctor Nuttcott said, smoothing crinkles out of her uniform top, “Shall we continue with your exercises?”

“Yes.”

* * *

Finn entered his room to find Poe packing something into a bag. BB-8 turned in a circle on the spot and bleeped at him.

“Hey BB.”

The droid bleeped again as Poe looked up.

“Finn!” The pilot said, crossing the room to give him a tight hug.

Unintentionally, the hug reminded Finn of his dream, the way he’d been so happy when kissing Poe in his dream. Maybe he did want to kiss Poe in real life. Before he could dwell on that thought any longer, Poe was pulling away from him and asking him how his physical rehabilitation session had gone.

“Good, it went well.” He replied, carefully not mentioning his dream or the advice Doctor Nuttcott gave him, “She says that I only have a few more sessions before I’m done.”

Poe grinned widely, “That’s good!”

“I know.” Finn said, smiling automatically with his friend,

“How did your session with Natkim go?”

The pilot shrugged, “So-so. Not bad but not great either, but that’s to be expected.”

Finn entered the room properly, gently pushing Poe to one side so he could reach his bunk. As he sat down, he took note of the things flung around the room, including but not limited to, his garish orange flight suit and many pairs of socks.

“What’s going off? Have you got a mission?”

“Yeah, I have.”

“Doing what?” He asked as he reclined backwards on his bunk against the pillows. They were really comfy.

“Just standard recon. But it’ll take a couple of days.”

“Is everyone going?”

“Me, Jess and Snap are.”

“So I’ll have no one to seat with at lunch. Great.”

Poe looked genuinely saddened by the fact that Finn would be sitting alone in the mess hall for the next couple of days as he responded, “I’m sorry buddy, but it’s the way it’s got to be.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’ll still be weird. I’ve got used to have you guys to sit with.” Finn said, his eyes flicking between the things Poe had set out to pack and the size of the bag, “Poe?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think you’re going to fit everything in that bag.”

His friend looked around and laughed, “I think you might be right.”

“I’m not helping you to pack.” Finn closed his eyes, pressing his head into the pillow, “I’m having a nap. Wake me up when you’ve finished packing.”

“Thanks Finn!”

* * *

Finn waved as Poe got into his X-Wing and start the take-off procedure. Well, at least, he assumed that’s what the pilot did. He didn’t know all that much about flying an X-Wing.

He sighed before walking away from the hangar, wondering what he was going to do now. He had to find something to keep himself busy now that none of his friends – and he was including BB-8 in that – were on base.

About halfway through the corridors, Finn realised that he was heading towards his and Poe’s room and paused in the middle of the corridor. His room would be empty, no Poe cracking stupid jokes, no BB-8 bleeping in a corner, making equally stupid suggestions about Poe. But it wasn’t like he had anywhere else to go. He continued on his way until he reached his bedroom, letting himself in.

Upon entering, he sat down on the chair in front of the desk after grabbing the box with Poe’s notes in. One good thing about Poe being gone was that he could examine the notes in more detail than he had previously. Once he’d tipped the box up, Finn sorted the notes out, dismissing the ones he’d already read – though in fairness he had read them all before, he was just being picky about the ones he read right now. He picked number ten.

* * *

Note #10.  
_Finn, there are world’s out there that you haven’t seen, haven’t experienced the culture, the vibrant people._  
I want to take you to see all of them.  
\- Poe D.

* * *

Finn sat back in the chair and thought about that note. He thought that he would like to visit other places, maybe starting with Poe’s home world, Yavin 4. Moving onto to the next note, he had to wonder if Poe was serious about inviting him there.

* * *

Note #11.  
_I want you to wake up and smile that gorgeous smile at me._  
It’s all I want.  
\- Poe.

* * *

After re-reading that note, Finn resolved to smile at Poe more often than he did already, though he did feel like he spend a lot of time smiling with Poe. But still, he would do it more often, it wasn't as though it was a hard thing to do when he spent time with the pilot.

* * *

When Finn went to his next session with Natkim, he settled into the sofa and said, “I have a question.”

“Go on then.” She said, smiling.

“How do you know if you like someone?”

"Why are you asking?"

"Because I like someone… At least I think I do." Finn said, as he put an arm over the top of the sofa, "And I've never felt like this before, so I kind of want some help."

"Oh yes? Would you mind telling me who?"

He shifted in his seat, sinking the fingers of his right hand into a cushion he'd pulled onto his lap from next to him. He stuttered, "P-Poe. It's Poe. And I know he loves me but I don't want to lead him on if I don't actually like him like that. I just…" He trailed off before finishing his sentence, " _Don't know_."

Natkim was quiet for a long moment before she spoke.

"The first thing I'm going to say Finn is that this is just advice and you have the right to completely ignore it if you wish." She began, "I think the first thing you should do is to get to know Poe, what he likes, what he dislikes, that kind of thing."

Finn nodded, that sounded like something he could do, when Poe returned from his mission. He asked, "Is there anything else?"

"You could ask yourself why you'd like Poe and consider how much you think about him." Napkin suggested, a small smile on her face, "And see how that goes."

Something he could do while Poe was on his mission. He grinned as he got up off the sofa - his session was over for today - and said, "Thanks Natkim!"

"I'll see you in a couple of days then Finn."

"Bye." He replied as he left the room, being careful not to let the door bang.

As Finn made his way down the corridor, he realised that he was quite hungry. He diverted his course from his original destination, which had been his room, to the mess hall.

Once he arrived there, he retrieved himself a tray from under the counter and picked out a sandwich along with a bottle of buckleberry juice. He retreated to the privacy of his (and Poe's) room. He didn't want anybody viewing him as he tried to figure out his own feelings. It was going to be bad enough as it was. He also had a feeling that it would be easier if he had a piece of paper and a pen or pencil to jot things down with. Both of those things would be relatively easy to find of the (dis)organised chaos that was Poe's desk.

After he reached their room, Finn sat at the desk chair and ate his sandwich - it was a good sandwich, the bread fresh and the filling warm - before scrounging up a notepad, half-filled with Poe's familiar slanted handwriting, and a pen.

He flipped to the first clean sheet of paper and titled the page in neat all capitals: _'Why I would like Poe'_. He underlined it twice.

Finn took a sip of his buckleberry juice, refreshing as always, and began, not thinking about what he wrote or how he wrote it.

* * *

Half an hour later, Finn had a surprising amount of things listed over two double-sided pages in Poe's notebook. He laid his pen down on the desktop and glanced over them.

The reasons ranged from the simple, such as _'kind', 'gorgeous brown eyes'_ and _'loves to help with everything'_ , to the more complex, such as _'stayed with me when I was unconscious' , 'the feeling that I feel in my stomach when Poe says buddy or when I see a part of his body'_ and 'loves me'.

The last thing that he'd noted down on the list was the most complex of all.

Before he thought about it at all, he finished the rest of his buckleberry juice off, slurping down the last dregs of it and sighing blissfully when the drink quenched his thirst. Who knew that figuring out if you liked someone was such thirsty work?

He did seem to have a very long list of reasons why he liked Poe. So…maybe he did like Poe as more than a friend. Maybe it was possible for him to _love_ the pilot.

 _Kriff._ He had a lot of thinking to do before Poe came home. Because he would come home, Finn didn't doubt it.

* * *

_Poe was right there on the bed, just within touching distance, and touch him Finn did. He trailed his fingers up Poe's chest, relishing the soft sigh expelled from Poe's mouth which made Finn move closer and press their lips together. Not harshly, gently but not without passion. It was glorious and Finn felt he could do it forever without getting bored._

* * *

Finn could feel the smile widening until it hurt his cheeks as he watched Black One land and the cockpit open.

Poe's helmeted head came into his view as BB-8 descended from underneath the 'ship, wheeling towards Finn, who began to walk to the round droid.

"Hey BB-8." He kept smiling as the droid beeped and went in a circle around his feet. He bent and patted it on its head.

"Buddy!"

And _there_ was the pleasant twisting of his stomach he'd come to associate with that word. Finn nearly launched himself across the runaway to meet Poe halfway in a tight hug.

"Finn, I missed you!" Poe said once they'd finished hugging.

Finn laughed in pure delight at having his friend ( _and maybe more_ ) back, safe and sound. He was so glad that Poe was back. It felt like his heart had swelled with love for the pilot.

"Good to see you too Poe." He couldn't keep the happiness out of his voice even if he'd wanted to.

Poe scrubbed a hand through his wild curls, saying ruefully, "I should go to debrief and have a shower."

"Sure, see you in our room in a bit?" He said.

"Ok."

As he watched Poe leave the hanger, Finn wondered what it would feel like pull on those curls that had been tantalisingly close to him, what it would feel like to kiss Poe, and what it would feel like to tell the other man that he loved him. (Yeah, he'd come to that conclusion this morning after an emergency meeting with Natkim, who had reassured him that men liking men was ok and good. Of course it must have been; Poe liked him after all.)

"Hey Finn." Poe said, exiting the bathroom with a towel around his waist.

Finn gulped, definitely _not_ looking at Poe's chest or the way stray water droplets snaked their way down his chest and soak into the towel. Kriff.

"I almost forgot! I got you something!"

Finn thought he knew the word for that, he'd been working with Natkim on getting used to what friends did for each other. "Like a present?"

He turned away as Poe dropped the towel to get dressed.

Poe replied, "Yeah, except this is way better cause you can eat it."

"So it's good?" He wasn't looking - he _wasn't_ \- except he kind of was, little sideways glances at Poe's back and arms and legs. The way Poe's muscles moved under tanned skin was fascinating and he nearly forgot to blink, let alone that he wasn't even meant to be looking. He sat down on his bunk, almost banging his head on the above bunk.

Once Poe was dressed - and Finn hadn't wished that he could've touched the tanned skin of his friend, he hadn't - he dug around in the bag he'd taken off-planet. A couple of seconds later, Poe was thrusting a small white bag into his hands.

"What is it?" Finn asked as he slowly opened the bag, untying the red string at the top and tipping the thing into his right palm. He looked at the small block of dark stuff.

"It's chocolate buddy!" Poe said excitedly, sitting down on the desk chair, "Try some."

Finn was beginning to think that he would do anything Poe asked. He broke a tiny piece off the block and put it in his mouth. Sweetness exploded on his tongue.

He groaned quietly, "This is so sweet!"

Poe's face went red and he looked away, down at the desk. He muttered, "Glad you like it."

Finn privately thought Poe was adorable when he blushed, but he didn't feel like he could tell that to Poe. Not yet.

It was quiet between the two friends for a few moments.

"What's this?" Poe said, flipping through the notebook.

"Kriff." Finn swore. He'd left the list of reasons why he liked Poe on the desk. He was glad that it was nearly impossible to see the blush that was surely spreading over his cheeks. "I - I… Erm… I kind of had a dream about you?"

Poe raised an eyebrow, acting casual but Finn could see the thinly veiled hope in his brown eyes.

"What kind of dream?"

"It was about…erm…" Finn looked at his hands, twisting them round and round. He mumbled, "Kissing you."

He hoped that Poe hadn't heard what he said but of course his friend had.

"R-really Finn?"

He nodded sharply, afraid that he would spill the contents of his second dream out if he spoke.

Finn watched as a tentative grin formed on Poe's face.

"I didn't expect this to happen. Fuck, I'd expected it never to happen and I would've been alright with that. But shit, all I want to do now is kiss you. Would be that ok?"

Finn thought that Poe wouldn't have been ok with him never returning the affection. He wasn't going to mention that though.

"I…yeah. That'd be cool."

Poe stood up and stepped to the bunks, sitting down next to Finn. Their thighs touched, sending a pleasant shock through Finn, as Poe placed his hand on Finn's waist and the other on Finn's cheek, his fingers curling around Finn's jaw. Slowly but surely Poe inclined his face towards Finn's and their lips brushed past each other before connecting properly.

It was amazing and, like in his dream, Finn couldn't imagine ever getting bored with doing this.

When they pulled away from each other, Finn saw Poe smiling and felt a matching smile form on his own face.

"That was…that was…" Poe said, tracing the line of Finn's jaw with gentle fingertips and smiling softly, "Wow."

"I'm glad you think that my kissing skills are decent." He replied, placing a hand on the small of Poe's back.

Poe laughed, "Well, if you don't think they're that good, we can always practise if you want."

"I'm ok with that."

This time Finn laughed and pulled Poe towards him for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- Buckleberry juice is something that I invented.  
> 2- More Finn and BB-8 interaction! Yay!  
> 3- Comments and kudos make me happy!


	7. Poe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- The final chapter. Holy shit. I never thought that this fic would ever get this long, but apparently I’ve surpassed myself.  
> 2- I’d like to apologise for the wait for this chapter. I had a bit of writer’s block and that combined with the new world of university, kind of threw me off. But thank you for being patient!  
> 3- Enjoy!!

_“I won't leave you lonely,_  
_my heart beats for you only,_  
_at night I call your name._  
  
_All of my life,_  
_I've been searching for the words that make me fit in right,_  
_with someone like you…”_  
**\- Someone Like You, Electric Century.**

* * *

“You know, I’ve been searching for pretty much my whole life for someone like you.” Poe said, looking up at the billions upon billions of stars above their heads. He’d taken Finn back home to Yavin 4 for a well-deserved break from the Resistance base for a week or so. It was partly a holiday for the two of them and partly a celebration for Finn, seeing as he’d finished his sessions with Natkim. He was so damn proud of the other man, it almost hurt.

“Really?” Finn sounded surprised, “What makes me so special?”

“The way you look after me when I have nightmares or flashbacks, the way you bring me back to myself, the way you look at me _damn_.” He sighed, tugging his boyfriend closer to him so that he could put an arm around Finn’s shoulders, “I mean seriously, you are amazing.”

“You’re pretty amazing as well Poe.” Finn said, snugging into Poe.

“Thanks.”

* * *

Poe could only watch in amazement as Finn charmed his father. No one had ever done that as quickly as Finn had, with the exception of perhaps General Organa. He grinned proudly, even as Finn beckoned him over to the table. He went willingly, he thought that he’d do _anything_ Finn asked without question. That was how much he loved the other man.

“You getting on then?” He said, smiling as he leant against Finn’s side, feeling his arm wrap around his own waist, a comfortable weight.

“Of course we are!” Finn replied, “You never told me about the time when you crashed into a building.”

Poe rubbed at the back of his neck with his free hand, “Actually I kind of _have_. But I suppose you wouldn’t have heard it seeing as you were unconscious at the time.”

His boyfriend smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek before continuing his conversation with his father. Poe was perfectly happy to stand and watch as the two most important people in his life got to know each other.

* * *

“You love him.”

It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. Poe’s father knew him well. He took a sip of his beer and looked out across the backyard from his seat on the bench on their back porch. Finn was asleep upstairs – in his kriffing _bed._ Poe wasn’t going to get used to _that_ any time soon.

“Yeah.” His answer seemed loud in the almost silent in the peacefulness of dusk.

“You need to tell him.”

“I – I know I do.” Poe shifted to cross his legs underneath him on the bench.

“That’s part of the reason you brought him here no doubt.”

Despite all the time apart, his father still knew better than anyone else in the entire galaxy. He nodded, attempting to conceal the blush rising on his face. He said, “Maybe so.”

“You know so Poe.”

Poe yawned, finished his beer and stood up. He patted his father on the shoulder as he passed on his way into the house.

“Night Dad.”

“Goodnight Poe.”

* * *

After breakfast the next day, Poe almost dragged Finn out to the tree that Luke Skywalker himself gave to his mother many years ago.

“Wow… this is amazing.” Finn breathed, not letting go off Poe’s hand even as they sat down next to the tree’s trunk, leaning against it.

“I know. It’s been here since before I was born.” Poe replied, a smile on his face and a bubble of hope in his chest, “My mother was given it by Luke Skywalker.”

“Sorry, I thought you said Luke Skywalker.”

“I did.”

_“Luke Skywalker?!”_

“Yeah Finn,” Poe bit his lip and looked Finn in the eyes, “But that’s not why I brought you out here.”

“Oh yeah?” Finn said, snuggling into Poe’s side, looking up at him.

“I, err… wanted to err… tell you that I…” The rest of Poe’s sentence was whisper-quiet, “I love you.”

The few seconds of silence following that sentence are the longest in Poe’s life so far and then Finn grinned, his teeth glinting. One of Finn’s hands came up to cup Poe’s cheek as Finn pulled him into a deep kiss.

When they pulled apart, several minutes later, “I love you too, you dork.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- It’s over. I’ve finished it, after eight months. I’d like to extend my thanks to everyone who’s either left kudos or comments. They made me want to keep writing, even when I had a little bit of writer’s block on this last chapter.  
> 2- I thought you deserved some fluff after the previous angsty chapters.


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